Hundreds of Local Four-Eyes Face Homelessness Due to Police Raids, Rising Prescription Costs

Since the election of Donald Trump as the 47th President of the United States, Iowa has been cracking down on four-eyes across the state harder than ever. Per a Doily Allergen poll that concluded Monday, at least 316 four-eyed residents of Iowa City report that they have either become homeless in the past month or are likely to become homeless soon.

Recently, the State of Iowa passed the Stop Speckie Randos from continuing to Invade (SSRI) Act, granting the state guard and all of the state’s police precincts total authority to disrupt any unwanted four-eyed presence. The Iowa City Police Department has since raided multiple speckie-dominated neighborhoods, evicting over a hundred glasses-wearing freaks and tossing them onto the streets where they belong (as a reputable news journal, The Doily Allergen takes no stance on political issues).

Furthermore, many four-eyes—and former four-eyes—are facing economic stress due to rising prescription costs for glasses and contact lenses. New federal legislation allows glasses manufacturers to lock customers into lifetime contracts and charge unregulated prices. Subsequently, millions of speckies nationwide are now being forced to choose between vision and housing.

Our verdict? Thank goodness no actual people are suffering from all this! Well, except for when a bare-eyed four-eyes bumps into you on the sidewalk. But you can just sue them and another new law lets them get sentenced to death for that, so them’s the breaks, speckies.