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I Tried the New Feastables Bar So My Poor Roommate Wouldn’t Have To

feastables

Here at The Doily, we love our roommates (the cool ones), and one very cool international roommate of ours made the harrowing decision to be introduced to American snack culture through a Feastables chocolate bar.


Most of us are fortunate enough to have escaped middle school before the MrBeast craze set in. Today, stories of camp counseling where every child has a Feastables and a Prime in lieu of granola bars and water have become commonplace. We’re haunted by resplendent displays of the chocolate bars everywhere we go: Target, CVS, and a secret third place so it sounds more threatening.


So what’s the buzz about? We’re here to set the record straight.


If you’re going to buy a Feastables, make sure you have no shame in buying it. The bar can sense your fear and bug the scanner so it’ll refuse to check out anything else, forcing an employee over to watch you to make your accursed purchase. At least you’ll be able to eat the chocolate bar in relative peace, as our reviewer did.


The packaging was slightly difficult to open. Please take our word with a grain of salt though, considering our reviewer’s incapability to open just about anything else. The bar is divided into one breakable section with “share” printed on it, and the rest of the bar is a single, wavy piece. It’s actually fucked up. Why is it only a small fraction of the top?


(Please note that the new bar supposedly fixes this issue. Target just, like, did not have any. There were more of the old bars than any of the new ones that have been out for months. We have clickbaited you. Seethe.)


The taste itself was disturbing. It was perfectly fine. It was exactly like a Hershey’s, except it tasted inexplicably not like a Hershey’s? We have tried, dear readers, to name this phenomenon. I can’t believe it’s not Hershey’s. Himhey’s. We have spent an inordinate amount of time trying to think about what makes it taste different, but to no avail.


So is this an apt introduction to the high-fructose corn syrup society of snacks we have created for ourselves? Probably, honestly. Feastables are available in a number of other countries, but it remains to be a uniquely American bar. Even though it’s made in Peru.


As for this poor roommate, who subjected herself to the horrors of Feastables? She said it was fine. She mostly did it to be funny. Incredible.

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