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  • Logan Pratt

Iowa Book and Hawk Shop Decide To Settle This Once And For All With Medieval Joust


iowa hawk shop versus iowa book

In a shocking turn of events this week, Iowa Book and Iowa Hawk Shop decided to hold a medieval joust to settle their longtime rivalry and determine which bookstore should rule all the land. Two knights from each noble establishment mounted their noble steeds and charged at one another, lances drawn, and whichever warrior was left standing on their stallion would be crowned “The One True Bookstore.”


On Monday, many pedestrians witnessed Sir Edwin of Iowa Book challenge Sir Aldrich of Hawk Shop on the Crest of Penta by taking out a rubber glove, donning it, and smacking him across the cheek with it.


“Our two houses have been in conflict for far too long, Aldrich. I, Lord Sir Edwin of Iowa Book, challenge thee to a duel at noon tomorrow to settle this petty quarrel once and for all. Do you accept?”


A crowd began to form and look on as Lord Aldrich contemplated the challenge.

“Lord Sir Edwin of Iowa Book, as the representative of the great house of Hawk Shop, I accept thine challenge for a duel. The duel will be in the form of a joust and shall decide from which establishment students shall receive their textbooks henceforth. Do you agree to these terms?”


“Aye,” cried Lord Edwin. “See you on the jousting field at high noon tomorrow”.


Both Sirs sauntered away, leaving a shocked crowd to wallow in anticipation of the big day ahead.


“I always knew those two had beef, but I never thought it would go this far,” said sophomore Kylie Ellington. “I’ve always gotten my textbooks from the Hawk Shop, so I think I’ll root for them tomorrow.”


“I think it’ll be nice to get it over with,” said fifth-year senior Zach Miller. “Those two have been at each other’s throats since I was a freshman. It’ll be nice to finally see it come to an end. Also, I’ll be supporting Iowa Book. I will never get my textbooks at the Hawk Shop, never I say!”


From the back of the crowd, however, one cloaked figure stood with a malicious grin.

“Muahaha… those steadfast fools! They will take each other out and soon I will be the last book stores standing in the land. I must make preparations for their demise”. Doily Allergen reporters later identified the figure as the Earl of Prarie Lights, who could be heard by eyewitnesses cackling on the Cambus ride home.


The sun rose on the fateful day of the duel. Onlookers packed the stands to watch the impending battle unfold. On one side of the field, Edwin was equipping his armor and preparing his strapping stallion, and on the other side, Aldrich was doing the same. Both men locked eyes across the field as the Knight Marshall took his place at the center of the field.


“People of Iowa City,” he cried. “We are gathered here today to witness the battle between the two noble bookstores in Iowa City. On one end we have the great Lord Sir Edwin of Iowa Book, and on the other is Lord Sir Aldrich of Hawk Shop. Are both fighters ready to commence with the duel?”


The two Sirs mounted their horses and rode to the starting lines.


“Then without further ado, let the joust commence!”


The two horses sprinted towards each other, their manes whipping in the wind. Both Sirs held their lances, ready to strike at the pass. With a great WHOOSH, the horses flew past each other, but as the dust settled, both warriors remained mounted.


“First round, draw,” cried the Marshall. “Retake your positions.”


“I bite my thumb at thee, you Hawk Shop heathens!” yelled Edwin.


“We’ll see about that you bitch ass motherfucker!” yelled Aldrich.


The two knights charged towards each other, this time a loud CLANK could be heard as the two knights fell off their horseback. As the dust settled, the two knights could be seen lying in the dirt on the battlefield. Suddenly, from the stands, a voice cried out.


“Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!” A little girl stood up from the stands with a determined face. On one arm hung an Iowa Book bag, and on the other a Hawk Shop bag.


“Can’t you two just love each other?” the little girl sniffled.


The crowd let out an “aww” and looked towards the panting knights, still reeling from their joust.


“Perhaps she’s right, Edwin,” said Aldrich. “Look at us, we nearly perished in this foolish escapade. And for what? A petty feud? Perhaps it’s time we put our differences aside.”


“Aye, I think it is,” said Edwin. “Our antics have nearly torn this great town apart. I think it’s time to settle this once and for all.” The two knights helped each other to their feet and spoke to the crowd.


“People of Iowa City, a great lesson has been learned here today,” Edwin declared. “Fighting and chaos are not the answer to our quarrels. Knowledge and understanding lead to much better outcomes.”


“Aye, but are we not bookstores?” said Aldrich. “Keepers of knowledge and the arbiters of scholarism? I say to thee, people of Iowa City, you shall feel free to choose between Iowa Book and Hawk Shop. Whichever you desire, shall abide with us both. Go forth with the freedom to choose your own destiny, and learn to love thine enemy as I have learned to love mine.”


The two knights embraced as the crowd erupted in cheers. Iowa Book and the Hawk Shop went on to have a healthy capitalist duopoly rivalry, and went on to artificially raise textbook prices in Iowa City for years to come.

THE END

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