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  • Doily Allergen

Iowa City Police Unimpressed by Kid’s Sloppy Kickflip in Park Ridge Construction Site


Shaking their heads in disappointment, Iowa City Police were found unimpressed by a kid’s sloppy kickflip he performed inside the off-limits Park Ridge construction site.

“I admire the kid’s passion, but frankly his execution is getting hard to watch. Did you see how early he flicked his ankle—not even near the highest point of his jump. Shoddy performance at best. No way in hell he’s ever going to get sponsored skating like that.”

Officers Barnett and Gonzales arrived at the scene in response to calls from concerned pedestrians who reported that skaters inside of the dangerous construction zone were putting on an “absolute suck fest,” unable to successfully pull-off the simplest skating maneuvers.

“If you’re going to illegally trespass into an active construction site, get your shit together and work on your timing. It looked like he was about to completely eat pavement for a second, his board barely made it over that table saw. You’ve got to trust yourself and ollie at just the right moment. We might have to start arresting these armatures in if they keep botching the most rudimentary skating tricks in the book,” said Officer Barnett, heckling the law-breaking youths, “Jesus, look at that careless form. You should be embarrassed. I’m almost hoping one of these little twerps breaks a bone something. Sometimes that’s the only way to learn how to control your board.”

At press time, Officer Gonzales was reported tazing a Coralville High student for failing to plant his feet properly coming off a BS 50-50 grind.


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