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  • Doily Allergen

Iowa City To Replace All Sidewalks With That Wonderful Squishy Shit From Ped Mall Playground

iowa city ped mall

In a move that was met with much jubilation and sighs of relief from local podiatrists, Iowa City announced plans to replace all sidewalks with that wonderful squishy shit from the Ped Mall playground.

“We are very, very excited to begin this project. Frankly, it’s a little embarrassing we didn’t think to do this until now,” said city administrator Deborah Klines. “From here on out, students and Iowa City residents will be walking around in a state of bliss and contentment, under the soothing spell of whatever the hell that amazing fucking shit is. I have no idea what it’s called or what it’s made of, but make no mistake, we are going to put it absolutely everywhere. Campus. Downtown. Northside, Westside—this city will soon be on the cutting edge of comfy commuting. No more foot pain, no more scrapes or bruises, no more concrete. Rubbery-soft-goodness is the way of the future. I’m fucking drooling just thinking about that lovely, lovely stuff.”

At press time, Iowa City had completely scrapped the project when they realized it might make things more comfortable for the homeless.


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