Iowa City Woman in Polyamorous Relationship with Herky Statues
Your beloved Doily Allergen Reporter recently met with Iowa City local, Hillary Clemmons, who is taking being a Hawkeye to a new level. Clemmons claims to be in a polyamorous relationship with the statues of Iowa’s anthropomorphic bird mascot, Herky.
There are numerous statues around the Iowa City and Coralville area, and she’s in a relationship with all of them.
When questioned if she has a favorite statue, she became offended, stating,”Polyamory is about open communication, I love all my partners equally. I do have a primary lover, but that is just due to our schedules.” Clemmons’ primary partner is that one disco Herky by the advancement center if you ride the red or blue bus, so.. yeah…. That one.
Clemmons use of the word lover was quite apparent to us, and when asked if she had a sexual as well as romantic relationship with the statues, she gleefully replied,”Of course, our love life is extremely satisfying. All Herkys are extremely competent lovers. Polyamory leaves me completely fulfilled sexually and emotionally.” She went on to describe what she loves about Herky. Clemmons teared up about how touching the Herkys calmed her,”... his presence is so masculine, so protective..” She particularly finds his grimace attractive and loves his built physique.
Clemmons went on to describe the numerous public sex acts which she and the Herky’s have performed. Somehow Herky has a penis and we don't know how and were honestly too scared to ask. How she has never been caught…defilin.. I mean.. making love with Herky is a great question that she wouldn’t answer, something about sex being subjective and love making having many forms. Yet Clemmons’ sex with Herky still involves penises.. anyways.. What we took away is that we will never touch a Herky statue, and highly recommend the general public keep their hands off Herky.
We had one final inquiry for Clemmons; what did she think of mascot Herky? Her response? He just doesn’t really “do it” for me.