Iowa Hates the Irish
Or so you think...
As I’m sure all of our dear readers have noticed, the weather has gotten colder, leaves have begun to fall, and rumors have started spreading like wildfire. The devastating nature of these rumors can target anyone in their wake. Your friends, your professor, your TA you wish was your friend because they seem like an incredibly fun and interesting person with a lot of experience and a great sense of humor (no I don’t speak from personal experience, shut up), some random guy off the street: they can ALL be subject to these rumors. No one is safe. Least of all, Iowa itself.
“Iowa hates the Irish” is a sentence that has positively, absolutely, 100% been thrown around as of late. You may have overheard it spoken in your floor lounge, whispered during a test, or even murmured in your roommate’s sleep, but you’ve definitely heard it. Anti-Irish sentiment may be best remembered for its prevalence in the 1800s or by being widely spread by Br*tish “people,” but that doesn’t mean it can’t also exist among Iowans, specifically in the University.
Think about it: how long did it take for the dining halls to restock our delicious frosted Lucky Charms? The magically delicious treats that just so happen to possess a leprechaun on the front of the box have only recently been returned, despite us having lacking them for over a week. The lack of timeliness is clear evidence that Iowa hates the Irish. This is terrible news! How can we let such hate flourish? Sad!
When checking the validity of this rumor, our dedicated reporters at the Doily Allergen made sure to check with the experts. The school’s local conspiracy theorist said the rumors were “a stretch, but hey, I already believe so much garbage, so I’ll bite.” We then watched them send this rumor to their buddies on Discord. Wow. There you have it. Proof of how widespread this news has apparently become.
Herky, however, wants to put this situation to rest. As a bird of proud Irish heritage, he deeply resents how far this story has gone. He told us that not only was this statement completely untrue, but that he would be personally taking the steps to ensure that the University of Iowa is not only Irish-friendly, but fully Irish-supportive. Herky plans to make Lucky Charms a permanent staple to our dining halls and dye the Iowa River green forever (or until people get mad at him and tell him to change it back or whatever). When asked for a final comment, Herky gave one simple answer: “Our day will come.” So true, king, so true.
While rumors may be flying high this time of year, hopefully we can put this clearly slanderous one to rest. Next time you’re tempted to spew rhetoric such as “Iowa Hates the Irish” as the headline for a news article or something, you should think a bit and consider the consequences of your devious actions.