Iowa YAF Transitions into Iowa YASSS, Queen
Iowa’s Young Artichoke Fuckers––or as they’re colloquially known, Iowa YAF––have come under fire recently for actions that students around campus have taken issue with. From the hate speech, their sad little sidewalk drawings done in all grey, the acts of aggression towards minorities, and the soda they hand out that always seems to be flat, these walking rat-tails don’t have a lot going for them when it comes to positive reception. Somehow, though, they manage to receive infinite funding for their events and advertising, so even if you don’t want to interact with them, they, like their hero Matt Walsh, refuse to take no for an answer. Even if their protests have higher attendance than their events, they shall not let the woke mob prevail.
Unfortunately, Iowa YAF has recently found themselves in a tough situation. You see, there’s only so many semi-notable transphobic public speakers that they can pay to shout at children, and they’ve brought in so many in the past few years that they’ve now completely run out. It’d be too hard for them to get JK Rowling, Dave Chapelle, or Bette Middler, and while they were in talks with Carlos Santana for a bit, it was clear that he was too consistently wasted to be able to stand up on stage and talk for more than six minutes. Ben Shapiro backed out when he heard our school’s president’s name was “Barbie.” Eventually, they got so desperate that they almost convinced my uncle Stewie to be their next keynote speaker, but Stewie was too busy studying in the ways of Carlos Santana (being drunk).
This left Iowa YAF at an impasse. If they wanted to keep getting transphobes, they’d risk bankruptcy or dwindling relevancy, but if they stopped promoting transphobic rhetoric, they’d be going against their one true passion! What’s a sweet little summer child to do? Well, one member managed to conceive a perfect plan, which they planned to carry to infancy. This member was none other than junior treasurer Richard Gouda, though intimate connections of his like to call him Dick Cheese.
“What if,” Gouda suggested, “we set a trap to get more sponsors and attendees? No one’s going to want to associate with the flat-soda boys, but if we rebranded to something more woke, we can capture the libs and get them to see the light!”
Gouda’s idea was met with resounding approval, with the president making immediate moves for a rebrand. Many options were thrown out––“Iowa YIFF” for the furries, “Iowa Y’ALL” for the gay cowboys, “Iowa YARN” for the cottagecore lesbians––but finally, they found their perfect new name: Iowa YASSS Queen, a group for the girls and the gays. What a perfect scheme! They couldn’t wait to unleash their plan onto the unsuspecting student body! Ironically, for a group that hates trans women, they were really getting into this trap.
Without warning their followers, the org’s social media manager changed their handle and profile picture on Instagram, FaceBook, and X. At first, nobody noticed, given that no one regularly checked in on their social media presence. Since that wasn’t enough to gain them notoriety, they quickly made a colorful infographic and posted it on all of their platforms. The graphic read:
“HEY ALL YOU QUEENS, QUEERS, AND QUARTER MARSHALLS! If you’re looking for a ✨fabulous✨ new student org to join this fall, look no further than Iowa YASSS, Queen! We love all of our sisters here! 🌈🌈🌈 Well… except for the trans ones 🙄 You can only serve cunt if you were biologically born with one, hunty! Our next meeting is in Stewie’s mom’s basement, so come over and we can kiki! 💋”
Within three hours, Iowa YASSS, Queen had lost all of their followers on every platform. None of the gays saw their post because they were all at brunch. The group formerly known as Iowa YAF was in shambles.
Talk about being gagged, amirite? Those bitches are drowning out there! Stan Charli XCX for instant good karma 😍