Jesus Concedes Election After Not Receiving Enough Write-In Votes
It’s a sad day for all those working on Jesus of Nazareth’s presidential campaign as the underdog candidate had to officially concede the election after lack of supporter turnout.
Running on a platform of “Peace Be Unto Thee,” the candidate was always seen as a longshot to win, but after many months of brutal attack ads and grassroots campaigning, the Lamb of God gave up on the hope that He might become not only the Savior of Mankind, but also our nation’s 46th president. We spoke to Jesus’s campaign manager earlier tonight to understand what must be going on in the Lord’s mind right now.
“It’s definitely upsetting,” says Nathan Cremers, head of Jesus Christ’s presidential campaign. “But we’ve been through far worse, that’s for sure.”
Cremers was referring to Jesus’s last unsuccessful presidential bid in ‘08 where, after being ahead in the polls, His stance on “Love Thy Neighbor” alienated His more conservative demographic.
“We knew given the tight race this season that we’d need a hope and a prayer to be electable,” Cremers remarked. “But I guess those prayers fell on deaf ears.”
Some political commentators placed the blame on Jesus not receiving key endorsements from neither Adam nor Eve, who supported Senator Klobuchar and Senator Sanders, respectively, before eventually backing Biden. Others cited the Lord’s odd choice to have 12 running mates. Most agreed that Jesus spent far too much of His energy trying to appeal to the meek and the peacemakers and not enough time campaigning in swing states.
Jesus gave His concession speech earlier tonight from atop a mountain in front of a crowd of 5,000 loyal supporters before ascending to His Heavenly throne at the right hand of the Father.