John Pappajohn Building Set to be Replaced with the Bell TacoBell Building

Here at the University of Iowa, business majors really only have two things going for them: basic knowledge of how to format an Excel sheet and the John Pappajohn Business Building. This fine building has everything that you could want in a study spot, from its ideal location in the confines of the Pentacrest to the shimmering signs illuminating passersby with stock market updates to the joyful comfort of the stale mac and cheese served at Pat’s Diner. If you’ve ever wondered why absolutely zero university funding has gone into fixing the broken-down shack that is the English-Philosophy Building, look no further than Pappajohn. Given how revered it is by the staff and students, a lot of confusion arose when, earlier this week, it was announced that the John Pappajohn Building was set to be demolished and replaced.

The reasoning behind the building’s demolition was heavily speculated following the initial announcement. Was this going to be Mayflower’s new location? Did they need to make room for a third diner? Was it due to the large number of car accidents caused by drivers ogling its sexy architecture? The answer came later that day when President Wilson held a press conference to reveal that, in John Pappajohn’s place, there would be a new business building which would officially be christened the Bell TacoBell Business Building. The new name, for those not in the know, is in honor of one of our university’s proud alumni and sponsors, Bell TacoBell, who now runs a marketing firm alongside other notable figures like Donald McDonalds, Robin Baskin-Robbins, Beatrice “Bea” Applebees, and Jersey Mike. You might also know them by their media-appointed name, “The Chain Gang.”

Many admirers of Ms. TacoBell were very excited about this recent news, but there’s at least one person who wasn’t too pleased. Long-time businessman and funneler-of-money John Pappajohn was reportedly furious upon receiving word of this recent advancement. After all that he had done for the world of business, how dare they replace him?! Why, he would have to do something about this immediately!

“I’ll give them a slice of my mind!” John Pappajohn called out into the night. “Justice shall be delivered in thirty minutes or less!”

Pappajohn prepared for his revenge, arming himself with a pizza cutter and consuming large amounts of marinara sauce to regain his strength. He called on his son, Bo—who, luckily, was in the house—to join him, and together they made their way to the barren ground where his fine building used to lay. He pulled away the construction tape and stomped onto the site, growling as he looked across his fallen empire. He might’ve been a pizza man, but the business building was his white castle, and its loss was a hardy blow. No matter what it took, he was going to bring it back. Rain beat down on his face, and behind him Bo blared heavy rock music from an old-timey boombox.

“Come out and face me, TacoBell!” Pappajohn yelled through the storm. “I know you’re out there!”

Silence followed his war cry. Pappajohn scoffed and mentally mocked TacoBell’s cowardice. He crossed his arms and smirked, arrogantly celebrating what would have already been his victory. After a couple minutes, though, he just got bored. He turned back to Bo, who shrugged his shoulders.

“TacoBell? Bell TacoBell? You’re here, right?” Pappajohn yelled once again.

“She’s on break. Come back in an hour,” a construction worker informed him, walking around the corner.

“On break? This is more important! Tell her to come here now!”

“I would, but I doubt she’d come.”

“Oh, and why is that?”

“Because, sir, she’s out getting pizza.”

Tears sprouted at the corners of John Pappajohn’s eyes. How could he so cruelly judge another pizza lover? The rain and his tears washed away his rage, revealing the vulnerable pizza business man underneath. With a sorrowful bow, he and his beloved Bo retreated into the night, short shorts flapping in the wind.

After this unfortunate confrontation, John Pappajohn disappeared into the wild and hasn’t been seen since. Construction on the building has been moving along well, ensuring that the new building will be just as sexy as the last. Pat’s Diner and Pat’s Too will now be repurposed into taco stands, but every night slices of pizza will be left on the doorstep in the hope that our beloved Papa will return. But enough about the past, I say, let’s look to the future! Bell TacoBell has surely girlbossed her way into University of Iowa history, and I believe her commemoration was more than deserved. TacoBell’s tenure shows the potential to live mas indeed.