Male English Professor is so Gender
Many English Major students have reported that a professor of theirs, Professor Pier E. Odcramps, is “so gender” due to topics of feminism and sexuality surrounding his teaching methods.
Prof. Odcramps has been teaching at the University of Iowa for nearly 21 years. He currently teaches courses such as: ENGL:1210 Alternatives to the English Major, ENGL:2050 Not Becoming an English Teacher, ENGL:2600 Feminism for White Guys, ENGL:3600 Explaining Your Major to Family, and ENGL:3920 Mansplaining Pride and Prejudice, to name a few.
As the 2023 Fall semester began, students of Prof. Odcramps quickly realized something quite peculiar about their professor.
“He’s just so gender!” junior English student and self-proclaimed feminist, Eileen Ulick, excitedly reported. “How is he more of a feminist than me?”
Prof. Odcramps is reportedly so feminist that many students have criticized him of being a misogynist.
“His teaching methods are slightly unorthodox,” Ulick said. “But it’s only because he knows the ladies will succeed no matter what. We don’t need a male to hold our hands just to pass some English class!”
Some of Prof. Odcramps’ strange, yet feminist, teaching methods include:
Forcing female students to sit outside and listen to his lectures through the walls to prove that women can pass the class with the odds stacked against them.
Nailing the women’s bathroom doors shut because periods “can’t get the best of the ladies.”
Refusing to write letters of recommendation for female students to prevent them from falling victim to the wage gap.
“I don’t understand,” freshman English student, Phil Accio, said. “The girls in our class love him. One time Professor Odcramps spit in a girl’s face and called her a stupid bitch, and the girl thanked him! She said he’s so brave for reclaiming derogatory terms and fighting gender norms, but when a frat guy does it, he’s a ‘pig.’ How does that work?”
Some students, all of which are either straight women or gay men, wholly defend his questionable behavior.
“I mean, just look at him!” senior English student, Connie Lingus, said. “I wish he’d spit in my face. If Daddy– er… I mean, Professor Odcramps smacked me and called me a dumb cunt, I think I’d give him money. That’s just so progressive of him.”
Prof. Odcramps reportedly introduced himself with his pronouns on the first day of class. “That’s when I knew this would be a tough class,” junior English student, Buster Cherry, a homosexual, said. “I started bringing a towel to lecture because I get so wet. I’ve never had a male professor above the age of 50 mention his pronouns before. It’s just so he/him of him.”
Prof. Odcramps is 56 years old, born in 1967. “I’m not into older guys,” Cherry said. “But Pier just does something to me. I can’t control myself when I’m in his class. He’s such a DILF.”
Prof. Odcramps reportedly has the highest office hours attendance rates out of any professor at the University of Iowa despite their inconvenient timing. His office hours take place every Friday and Saturday at 9:00 p.m. (or by appointment) in his bedroom.
We managed to push through the hoard of female students rushing him after one of his lectures on “Women in Shakespeare” to speak to Prof. Odcramps.
DA: How do you adjust your lecture agenda to fit feminist ideals? And how do you respond to those accusing you of being a misogynist?
Odcramps: Feminist? You know… it’s a never-ending job being 6’11”. Is wanting the bare minimum for the ladies feminist? No. I’m no feminist. I simply fight to end period cramps because that’s the right thing to do. And if that makes me a misogynist, then so be it. Maybe we all have a little misogyny inside of us.
DA: Is it true you use sex appeal to retain attention during your lectures?
Odcramps: No. My suit jacket gets very hot. I will admit, I hear some light gasps of pleasure every time I take it off and roll up my sleeves to reveal my large, hairy, tatted arms, but students sexualizing me is not intentional.
DA: Wow… uh, um, would it be possible for you to demonstrate?
Odcramps: If I must.
He smoldered as he removed his suit jacket and rolled up his sleeves.
DA: Oh, um… wow. Yeah, I get it.
Odcramps: Something catch your eye?
DA: Uh, no. Nothing–
Odcramps: No, sir.
DA: No, sir. Nothing caught my eye.
We removed ourselves from the room due to an emergency bathroom trip.
It’s true. We at the Doily Allergen can confirm that English professor, Pier E. Odcramps is, in fact, “so gender.” Be careful in his class; bring an extra towel with you, because—trust us—you will not be leaving dry.