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  • Zachary Warne

Man Gets Fucked by Chemistry Midterm, Kinda Likes It


A man sleeping with a chemistry midterm.

An anonymous student left his Organic Chemistry midterm with his penis resembling the atomic structure of a solid (as in rigid, hard, and locked in place). Naturally, our investigative reporters had to ask him why.


Apparently the midterm was hard, so intensely difficult, it ignited a newfound masochistic sexual desire within this lucky lucky man.


He outlined to us, in extremely explicit detail, how the equilibrium questions were so demanding that he felt the blood rush out of his head and go to his head. The throbbing stoichiometry problems felt like they went straight into his gut. Designing carbon-based atomic structures really made him think about his own carbon-based structure. The demanding nature of electronegativity bent him over backwards (mostly metaphorically) and showed him a new way of life. His butthole puckered at the sound and look of reaction mechanisms. Those strong chemical bonds made him think about how he could be bonded to the paper. He was exhausted by the relentless attack in his colon during the multiple choice spectrosy portion.


He let out a little moan when we asked what grade he thought he got, and said that he couldn’t wait for round two inside the professor's office. We did not ask for elaboration.


Slightly limping, he walked away, placing his phone to his ear. Our reporter did not hear the exact phrasing that was used, but a witness on site stands by the fact they heard the words “chemistry final.”


Regardless, congratulations to all students in our chemistry program for getting through midterms! And especially to Jared Thomas, who definitely got off on midterms.


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