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  • Ethan McReynolds & D Will

Matt Walsh Cancels Lecture, Iowa City Women Too Old


Matt Walsh in an elementary school classroom

On Monday, Matt Walsh decided to cancel his “What is a Woman?” lecture at the IMU. He reportedly stated “these bitches too old,” shortly after exiting his woke-free private jet.


Matt Walsh arrived in Iowa City on Monday. He was greeted by University of Iowa President Barbara Wilson. The two went to shake hands, but Walsh strangely recoiled upon touching the president’s hand. The first thing he asked President Wilson was, “you got any women my type?”


Walsh’s lecture was intended to discuss whether or not he believes a certain human should exist, however he was apparently unaware of this. According to Walsh, he visited Iowa to reportedly “get some of that underage strange.”


Instead of holding the lecture at the IMU, Walsh rescheduled the event to take place at Shermer High School. Yeah, that’s right, the one from the Breakfast Club, where he asked for only the sophomore girls to attend.


The Shermer High Administration happily agreed, hoping to allow their students to be exposed to unique viewpoints. However, according to Shermer High Principal, Justin Inch, he did not expect what Walsh would actually be exposing them to.


They were unpleasantly surprised when Walsh walked into the auditorium full of 16-year-old girls and uncontrollably started trembling while his nose began to bleed.


Walsh started his lecture about what makes the female students so plump and fertile, but he was frozen in his tracks when he made eye contact with… her. It was love at first sight. She looked younger than the rest, and perfectly fertile. Walsh couldn’t contain himself. He shot a wink at the girl and began to blush.


Somehow, he managed to continue his lecture on the benefits of early pregnancy, but he simply couldn’t unlock eyes with… her.


Gesticulating wildly and mumbling semi-coherently, he continued to ramble on about the benefits of early, like really really early motherhood.


“You,” he said, eyes locked to… her. “What is standing between you and a life of free time, domesticity, and me paying you six figures a year?”


Adults in the room bristled, but he paid no mind.


Soon, Walsh began suggesting that he was about to come down to visit this lovely young lady in the audience. Despite protest from the crowd, his eyes rolled back in his head and he began to hover, descending upon the girl with a rigid finger aimed at her.


Teachers formed a flaccid barricade, useless against his tenacious onslaught. His turgid muscles rippled as they tore through the soft defenses of the adults. The principal rushed to the aid of the sophomore, but a petrifying glare from Walsh left Principal Inch’s defenses dangling.


Suddenly, President Wilson burst through the doors of the auditorium. Walsh gasped at the sight of a woman above the age of 18.


“Matthew, your time has come!” She shrieked. Barb then sent a blast of energy from her hands.


Walsh sent one back. The two beams totally collided Harry Potter-style, but Walsh’s ramrod couldn’t quite get up after facing off with the of-age adult.


“I’m okay with you spreading hate speech on my campus,” Wilson said. “But I can’t legally allow you to molest children!”


“No, no!” Walsh said. “You’re too old!” But without the help of Viagra, his energy beam continued to shrivel away.


Barb was too old for Walsh’s liking. She bested him in combat, and expelled him from Iowa for good.


And they lived happily ever after. The end.

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