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  • Byron Ellington

Mayflower Roman Ruins De-Excavated

Back in September, we announced that the demolition of Mayflower Residence Hall, which the University of Iowa had intended to sell by the current semester, Spring 2024, was permanently halted following the discovery of some definitely very real Ancient Roman ruins underneath it. However, UI has since gone back on its decision to sell the building, and now intends to continue using it for student housing next year.

Unfortunately, this means that the archaeologists and conspiracy theorists who had been working on the historical site’s excavation are now out of a job. New construction teams have been brought in to fill the presumed Ancient Roman villa with concrete, after which they will rebuild the demolished sections of Mayflower. Good luck to anyone getting a half-rebuilt dorm room for next year!

We once again interviewed Tom-Jorg MacNasters, construction surveyor and recently-announced official spokesperson for the Hermetic Order of Nova Roma Iowana.

“This de-excavation is sad news for those of us who seek to expose the truth about the white…” He gulped, realizing his mistake. “I mean, Roman…presence in ancient North America,” he told us, wiping sweat from his brow with a look of profound relief upon his face.

The UI Department of Anthropology and Office of the State Archaeologist sent us a joint memo when they heard we would be interviewing MacNasters again, requesting that we include it in our article:

“To be as clear as possible,” they stated, “Mr. MacNasters and his ‘Hermetic Order’ are not reliable sources. When we ultimately secured the right to survey the supposed site under Mayflower Residence Hall for ourselves, we found no Roman artifacts and no indication of any Ancient Roman presence in the area, confirming all known and established scientific and historical research on both precolonial North America and Ancient Roman civilization.”

Well, it looks like once again, the jury is out on the truth. However, it now seems that we will never be able to conclusively say if these ruins are genuine—until UI decides to sell Mayflower again, that is.


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