Mitch McConnell’s Plan to Stop Climate Change

Given his party’s general lack of acceptance of the realities of anthropogenic global climate change, it came as a surprise to people on both sides when, during a private meeting in Washington, D.C., attended by Doily Allergen staff earlier this morning, Sen. Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., announced a new plan to stop climate change in its tracks and reverse the effects of global warming entirely by 2035.

The Senate Minority Leader recently “froze” a second time during a press conference and suffered a temporary inability to speak or move without assistance. McConnel explained his new climate change plan simply: “Just like how I’ve frozen a couple times recently, we’re gonna do that, but to the whole world.”

When asked to elaborate on his plan, he said, “What do you mean? That’s the plan. We’re gonna make the whole world stop moving, just like how you do to water when you put it in the freezer to turn it into ice, and just like I do when I have a press conference sometimes. That’ll stop global warming so we can get back to worrying about the little issues, like keeping Mexicans out of the country and extrajudicially murdering unarmed Black people.” He refused to explain further, protesting by faking a third freezing event in which it was plainly obvious that he could actually talk this time if he wanted to.

Well, there you have it, folks! Let us know what you think of Sen. McConnell’s plan, which should reach the front of the queue to get on the Senate floor in approximately four and a half years. Guess we’ll have to say goodbye to increasingly common heat stroke sooner than we thought! Who knew good ol’ Mitch had it in him?