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  • Doily Allergen

Nation Decides To End Year Early Because Holiday Season Going To Be A Bust


december calendar

The presidential election, almost having WWIII, white supremacists, and COVID-19. With these circumstances in mind and more, the U.S. government has declared the year of 2020 to be over, in the hope that 2021 will be less of a goddamn catastrophe. Earlier this year before the end of 2020 was changed, a committee of non-elected government officials under the name of “2020 Bad, 2021 Good,” decided to change the calendars entirely, and actively agree as a nation that this shit sucks and it’s time to move on.


“We’ve just found that it’d be easier to speed things up a bit,” said the Time-Overseer of the committee Brett Brodey, who was in the middle of celebrating the New Years alone in his apartment. “What with all the things that have made this year so bad, it’s almost guaranteed they’ll disappear by the time 2020 is done. After all, time is an illusion.”


Brodey’s confidence in this fact has extended to almost the entirety of the nation. According to him, “People everywhere have begun packing up their baggage from the garbage fire that has been this year. Students all over the nation have started complaining to the registrar offices in universities, asking why they didn’t receive confirmation for classes in the Spring 2021 semester. Gyms are packed with people getting ready to lose their quarantine bodies. Children’s birthdays happened without them even knowing it. The construct of time has fallen apart as we know it.”


Even the physics majors can’t stop this train from rolling straight into the next year, disregarding Thanksgiving and Christmas entirely. These already disappointing holidays have only been made worse by the pandemic and the nation’s only conclusion to fixing this is by skipping it altogether.

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