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  • Doily Allergen

Night at Gabe’s Getting Weird


gabes gets weird

Gabe’s, a popular Iowa City bar, got a little weirder than usual last night, according to everyone there.

“It started off normally. We heard there was a funk DJ and wanted to check it out.” Gabe’s regular Tobey McKinon said. “The DJ was wearing a David Crockett-styled coonskin cap, which was kind of cool. Some guy in the corner was badly freestyling. My friend Karen went missing for two hours. It was like any other night at Gabe’s.”


According to McKinon, the night crossed into uncharted territory when an amateur fire-eater started his act.

“That guy sucked. He pulled up a WikiHow article halfway through the performance,” McKinon said. “Then a group of ten people, who were also wearing coonskin caps, showed up. I think they were fans of the DJ? One of the hats caught on fire, but everyone kept dancing. I wasn’t sure if it was just fun or if it was a pagan ritual. I was about to leave, but then someone started buying us shots of homemade moonshine. So yeah. I took my shirt off, let a stranger paint my energy on my body, pierced my friend’s eyebrow, and streaked across the ped mall. It was crazy; I didn’t know Gabe’s even sold moonshine.”


Gabe’s management Sandra Carlyile confirmed that Gabe’s does not sell moonshine.


“We have no control anymore. We didn’t invite that fire-eater. Or the DJ, honestly,” said Carlyile. “I’m only 45% sure I actually still work there. Shit’s fucked.”

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