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  • Doily Allergen

Night Club “Cactus Platino” To Open In Old Union Bar Building


cactus plantino

In an attempt to “reimagine the Cactus brand” and “make even more money off of underage students,” Adrian Morales, manager of Iowa City’s Cacti, announced his franchise is opening a new location–Cactus Platino–where The Union Bar formerly resided.

“I’m excited to introduce Cactus Platino, the spiciest club in Iowa City,” said Morales. “Picture this: bouncers in sombreros. They check the IDs, and have pretty bad eyesight if you know what I mean. When you enter, you’ll immediately be greeted by both the sound and smell of salsa. The sound is our resident ‘DJ Mariachi’ spinning latin bops and the smell is our classic house salsa, which we have placed around the room like spicy air fresheners. At the bar, you’ll find our classic drink menu. Drinks will be served in cactus-shaped sippy cups because nobody wants to spill their frozen strawberry marg while dancing. Our famous Cactus shots will be available with some exciting new options, such as ‘on fire’ or ‘body-shot method.’ A consenting bartender will assist you with the latter. Once you get your drinks, you can make your way to the dance floor, where we have professional salsa dancers giving White patrons some dancing tips, like how to move your hips, when you should tone it down, and when you’ve embarrassed yourself too much and should leave. But that’s just the first floor! Upstairs, there will be a giant queso fountain waiting for you. According to health codes, I can’t recommend that customers actually use it. But what happens in Cactus Platino, stays in Cactus Platino. Once upstairs, you can find our lounge bar, which is covered in mostly leather. Here is where you can find the VIP section and also where we offer bottle service for a mere $500 a night. Sound pricey? That’s because our bottle service is served by Fabio, the guy on every latin romance novel. You’re welcome.”

Morales said the best part of the club is the additional third floor he plans on constructing. There are no other bars in Iowa City over two stories unless you count DC’s weird little half floor, and you shouldn’t.

“The third floor is our crowning achievement,” said Morales. “Strobe lights, disco balls, even the woman that was the inspiration for the red-dress-dancing emoji. There’s going to be a waterfall against one wall and across from the waterfall wall is a cacti wall. Please be careful. While DJ Mariachi kills it on the ground floor, DJ Guacamole rules the third floor. Plus, we will have a Thursday-Saturday special where we lower a piñata every thirty minutes. Inside the piñata? Hot queso. BOOM. Cactus Platino.”

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