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“No, I Don’t Wear Buttplugs Just to Cheat at Chess”: New Research on Performance-Enhancing Sex Toys


Two men playing chess with sex toys.

A new study conducted by whatever the fuck the College of Public Health does shows that—believe it or not—wearing sex toys during a competitive activity does not give you an edge over your opponent. The Doily Allergen sought out the University of Iowa Chess Club President, Richard Hanphucker (it’s Dutch), for an exclusive interview.


“I simply couldn’t believe the news,” Hanphucker said. “I’ve been a faithful conservative my entire life, but the GOP has taken it too far this time, and I don’t know if I can stand with my own party on this matter.”


“This actually had nothing to do with politics. It’s science,” replied our junior field correspondent Will Ferrell.


“Science?” asked Hanphucker.


Our inside sources suggest that most of the world’s top athletes utilize performance-enhancing sex toys.


“How do you think Tom Brady got as good as he did?” Hanphucker said. “You think he didn’t pop a quick penis pump before every game just to give him that push he needed? I mean, come on! I want to be one of the greatest chess players of all time. So what if that means wearing a furry tail butt plug to every match?”


In the past, Hanphucker has been removed from chess matches due to his furry tail being deemed a distraction. In response, Hanphucker stated that the sex toys aren’t just about the game, but that they are, in fact, a lifestyle.


“It’s who I am,” Hanphucker said. “Who am I supposed to go home and have sex with after a victory? A woman? Please! No woman will ever compare to my Poontang Wallet 3000. So no ‘science’ will not stop me from fitting in that last Ben Wa ball before every match.”


Our sources also indicate Hanphucker hasn’t had a girlfriend since his two-week fling with Lauren O’Donnel when she pitifully agreed to go to the eighth grade formal with him. Hanphucker was a senior at the time.


“The reason bitches don’t want me is because they fear me, like they should,” Hanphucker said. “I am the spitting image of what the ancient Romans defined as an alpha, and if that intimidates bitches, then so be it. Nowadays, bitches don’t want a respectful man that can take a room full of large men [in a game of chess] like it’s nothing. They want some jockey douchebag asshole that doesn’t need a cock ring to win a football game. Fuck that! I don’t need bitches! Bitches need me! Bitches need my prostate massager!”


Hanphucker gave us the hint that the use of performance-enhancing sex toys may be an epidemic at the University of Iowa. We met with the University of Iowa Rubix Cubing Club President, Guy C. Balls, for answers.


Science, as you call it; liberals, as I call it, be damned,” Balls said. “The numbers don’t lie. I have never won a game without my 13” big, black dildo with realistic texture, throbbing veins, and a creamy reward feature deep inside my asshole. If the libs told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it? I know I would, but not without a penis gag tickling my uvula. You know what the orgastic moment for me is? After beating a record for solving my cube, I know I can go home and feel each anal bead stretch my sphincter out just a little bit. And just when I think the sensation is over, uh oh!, here comes the next bead!”


Balls brought us to his sex dungeon beneath Daum Residence Hall to demonstrate his pre-game ritual. It begins with him strapped to a Saint Andrew’s Cross and a 6’3” German dominatrix named Freyjӓ kicks him in his balls with her six-inch platform boots 100 times each. She then drips hot wax down his urethra. Balls’ final good-luck measure is to have his feet tickled softly by Freyjӓ until he pees his pants, but the wax has now solidified in his bladder and he is able to go to the match and not have to worry about the urge to pee.


Our final destination was the HawkeyEsports Arcade, where the University of Iowa Esports Team is far less discreet about their use of performance-enhancing sex toys. The Iowa Esports Team Captain, Tom Ass Schittekatter, requires every team member to be equipped with a chastity belt for every game.


“We try to keep politics out of the game,” Schittekatter said. “Ladies crawl all over us after every victory, so the chastity belts not only function as performance-enhancers, but they double as birth control. Trust me, if it weren’t for the PESTs—that’s Performance-Enhancing Sex Toys, for short—every member of our Minecraft team would have to focus on their kids rather than the game, and that’s a mistake I refuse to make again.”


The debate of whether or not performance-enhancing sex toys should be permitted in competitive games will be heard by the United States Supreme Court on Friday.

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