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  • Doily Allergen

Opinion: Garza Ain’t Got Shit On Me!

luca garza

So, Luka Garza was recently named Big Ten Conference men’s basketball player of the year for the second year in a row. Whoop dee doo. He still ain’t got shit on me.

Precious Lukie thinks he’s the GOAT of Iowa men’s basketball just because he’s now the highest scoring Hawkeye of all time. Big deal. I won the regional handwriting competition in first grade, but you don’t see me bragging about it. Everybody thinks Luka Garza is sooooo cool just because he averages 23.9 points per game. I could do that blindfolded with my hand down my pants. Oh, you think it’s awe-inspiring that he scored 640 points during the 2019-2020 season? I’ve kissed seven girls! You awe-inspired by that?! Sports Illustrated once said Luka Garza may be the most dominant player in the conference. I was once described as “a joy to have in class.” Were you ever described as that, Luka? Huh?

I bet you think Mr. Hot Shot is so impressive because he’s 6’11” (couldn’t quite hit 7 could ya bud), but guess who’s not impressed. This guy. If I was Luka Garza, I would simply grow an inch. Also my girlfriend, who’s a 7 out of 10, assures me that height doesn’t even really matter that much. Got anything to say to her, Luka? Didn’t think so.

I keep sliding into Mr. Garza’s DM’s trying to get a game of 1 on 1 started, but he must be too afraid to accept my message request. Makes sense. I, too, would not want to have to run crying back to the locker room like a little baby boy who got his shit rocked by a cool, laid back guy who’s fun at parties. Mark my words, though, one of these days I’m gonna get my shot, and then we’ll see whose number gets retired.

And don’t even get me started on Connor McCaffery.


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