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  • Doily Allergen

Opinion: Instructor’s Kid Was Cute, At First


crazy zoom call

When Professor Briggs mentioned that we might get to meet his family over the new Zoom classes, I was actually pretty excited. The first time his four-year-old son Tyler wandered into the frame of his laptop camera during lecture and started tugging at his dad’s arm while he tried to maintain focus? I left that Zoom lecture with more joy and general positivity than I had through the entire month of April. The whole exchange was adorable enough to make all of our hearts grow three sizes, and the cuteness kept up, for a couple of weeks.


Cut to two months later, and I’m ready to punch Tyler in the throat.


This little attention whore needs to take a hint and quit cutting off Professor Briggs when he’s talking. None of us are actually interested in the lectures, so you’d think we’d welcome any distraction from Briggs’s deadpan voice going over crystal field theory. But at this point, we’ve heard it all from this brat, so it’s just making the lecture take even longer.


I like kids as much as anyone, but this one needs to back off and quit hogging the spotlight.

You can only watch a toddler dance around in the back of a Zoom call waving a plastic lightsaber for so long before it becomes utterly insufferable. How Professor Briggs lives with that tiny, whiny terror seven days a week and isn’t a full-blown alcoholic is mind-boggling.

Speaking of Briggs, you’re not off the hook here, bud. Why don’t you just lock the door to your bedroom? I get you want to appear like a relatable family man or some shit but this dimwit is driving us all crazy, and you need to solve the problem before one of us resorts to a drastic solution. We’ve been talking privately in the Zoom chat, and I can tell you with absolute certainty that at least four of us would chloroform that little punk for some peace and quiet.


By the way, Professor, can I have a due-date extension for last week’s quiz? Thanks.

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