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  • Doily Allergen

Opinion: Luka Garza Could Swallow A Basketball Whole If He Wanted To

luka garza

Though their season was cut short, the Hawkeye men’s basketball team delivered one stunning performance after another this year.

They got physical, put up big numbers in a competitive Big Ten Conference, and center Luka Garza probably could have, at any given moment, taken a basketball and swallowed the entire fucking thing whole like it was nothing.

The 6’11″ junior dominated the inside at every turn and averaged 24 points a game. In March, Garza shattered the UI Men’s Basketball single-season scoring record of 699 total points, so would it really be that surprising if he walked up to a referee in the middle of a game, ripped the basketball from his hands, and ate it without breaking eye contact?

Honestly, I’m surprised it didn’t happen. It really seemed like it was going there a few times. Whenever number 55 opened his mouth wide, yelling in celebration, I was on the edge of my seat thinking Fuck—just do it man. Eat a basketball. You could absolutely do this no problem. Just eat a fucking basketball Garza.

If he’d wanted to, the 260 lbs all-star could have had his way with anything or anyone on the court. A water bottle, a foam finger, Michigan State’s puny little assistant coach—Luka Garza would have easily devoured them all.

Seriously. Look at that jaw strength and flexibility. He’s getting at least 24 inches wide there. NCAA regulation balls are about 29 inches in circumference…

It could happen. Garza has proved time and again during his time at Iowa that when he sets his mind on something, that something has zero chance against the awesome power and ability of his open mouth.

I’m telling you guys, Luka Garza could for sure eat a whole basketball. Maybe even two at once. All of us Hawkeyes are looking forward to next season to see if he finally does it. I bet you money he does.

Please, Luka, if you’re reading this, just swallow a fucking basketball right now like the champion you are. Pretty sure Kareem Abdul-Jabbar did it once.


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