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  • Doily Allergen

Our Top Picks for Bruce Harreld’s Replacement

bruce harreld

8. My Great Aunt who needs to get outside more

Aunt Lucille is such a darling, and it breaks my heart to think about how much time she’s spending cooped up in her mid-century house. She keeps going on about how she’d like to start taking more walks, but the cold air isn’t good for her lungs. By becoming the next President of the University of Iowa, not only could she do her speed-walks up and down the halls of the President’s Residence, but she could also make some changes to the University that she’s been talking about for the last few years. I mean, I’m pretty sure whatever she does will be pretty racist or homophobic, which is why she’s our last choice, but it’ll do her good to be out and about more.

7. The Joker

Considering the University’s status as a top-ten school, it’s important that our next President understands that we live in a society. While we might not appreciate every instance of method-acting during the Joker’s presidency, we can all be sure life will be a little more exciting in Iowa City. Discussions are currently underway via the Board of Directors who are currently debating which Joker they’d most prefer to interview. Inside sources lead us to believe the most likely candidate is Jared Leto, although the late Heath Ledger is also being considered.

6. Jeff Bezos

Considering Jeff Bezos has stepped down as CEO and President of Amazon to become the Executive Chair of the Amazon Board, he’ll be much more powerful while also spending less time working. This makes him a fantastic candidate as President of the University of Iowa. Not only is he ruthless enough to stomp out any local competition for secondary education, it’s rumored that he’ll begin a transitional program to eventually replace the University of Iowa with Amazon University, a cheap, online, and hassle-free alternative to in-person colleges. With Amazon University, students will enjoy their first year of study for free! After everybody flocks to receive a college education for practically nothing, all prices will jack up about 400-500%, but it’s cool, ‘cuz it’s Amazon.

5. Toni Collette, but only from her role as the mom from Hereditary

The students of Iowa have spoken: we want a president who says “fuck.” We also want a powerful woman who spirals into insanity from time to time like the rest of us. We’ve only had two female presidents of the University of Iowa, and introducing a girlboss who’ll eventually decapitate herself with a piano wire is the perfect vibe for IC. And she’s Australian. DId you know she’s Australian? Weird.

4. Jon Hamm

I didn’t watch Mad Men, and I don’t plan to, but I heard it’s good. And he seems nice.

3. A Crock-Pot Ham

Have you ever had a Crock-Pot ham so juicy and tender it practically falls apart on your plate? We believe swearing in a massive ham like that would be an upgrade from Bruce Harreld’s metaphorically dry, flavorless, and chewy presidency. The opportunities granted by having a giant ham as President are endless. There are even government grants supporting the inclusion of meat and meat-byproducts in the legislation of public universities, which could do wonders for our funding.

2. Swedish Chef

Sensual. Caring. Sexually adventurous. Inclusive. Presidential. Who else could better personify these adjectives than the Muppets’ Swedish Chef? With a background in culinary education, the Swedish Chef’s unique experiences and perspectives could bring a welcome change to life in Iowa City. When asked about his mission statement, the Swedish Chef replied, “Hingå dingä důrgen, von denn horgås Brucie Hörreld dem küü Iowa Högskola lum tåak Höwkayës!” How could anybody resist such charisma and charm?

1. The Brucinator

The #1 spot is a tough one to decide, but after deep consideration, we believe we should welcome a new era of University Presidencies. The Brucinator, a clone of Bruce Harreld from the future with a murderous streak and superhuman strength, is just one of billions of versions of Bruce Harreld. What sets the Brucinator apart from his multidimensional adversaries is his bloodlust and callous approach to running a public university. Although Twitch Streamer “BwuciePoo98” from Universe 328-AX7 was in the running for this position, he was ultimately beaten out by Brucé de la Harrelde from Universe 9LK-MM2, who is exactly the same as our dimension’s Bruce, but French. However, in the last three days, the Brucinator has been on a killing spree, eliminating every other interdimensional Bruce Harreld, including dear Brucé. Eventually, he may be our only option as he eviscerates any possible competition for the role as University President, so we figure we should get on his good side now.


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