Piece of Shit Changes Seats

With the fall semester well underway, most of the student body has fallen back into the routines of the school year. Walking to the same buildings on campus, completing weekly assignments, and – perhaps most importantly – sitting in the same seat in every class meeting. By now, UI students have their unassigned-assigned seat in every discussion and lecture, and are sticking to it like the noble and good-hearted Americans they are.

Except for this fucker.

Senior – YEAH, a goddamn senior who should understand how this shit works by now – Josh Danson raised hell on campus last week after switching seats in a discussion section. Danson’s actions were met with warranted outrage and horror from his classmates.

“I was a little confused at first,” said junior Sara Mayford, the victim of Danson’s atrocious behavior. “I asked him to move, and he just turned to me with this smug look on his face and asked why. The next moments were a blur… I vaguely remember screaming at him that it was my seat, that I always sit there, and he said that there were no assigned seats for this class, and then I just started crying harder than I’ve ever cried before. I’m sure God was doing the same.”

After the discussion section ended, Danson was immediately taken into custody by ICPD and charged with emotional assault. He is currently awaiting trial and is being monitored with an ankle bracelet. In one reporter’s humble opinion he should be fed to sharks, but this isn’t an opinion article.

According to Mayford, this is not the first time Danson has pulled this malicious stunt, and she believes if he is released it will not be the last.

“I’ve had a class with that fucking lunatic before, and the same thing happened” she said. “First the TA will get all confused because the class gets all shuffled around, then we realize no one remembers anyone’s names, then all the birds stop singing, and then the entire discussion devolves into Lord of the Flies style anarchy. Like clockwork.”

Danson spoke at a press conference yesterday to provide context for his unforgivable actions.

“I really don’t understand what the big deal is,” Danson said. “There’s no assigned seating, it’s really just first come first serve. You know what I think? I think people latch onto a seat as a manifestation of stability in their lives, so that they can cope with the changing world around them with the illusion of security. To me, though, it’s just a seat, so I could care less.”

Again, this isn’t an opinion article, but one humble reporter kindly requests you shut the fuck up, Josh.

Moments after making his statement Danson was removed from the press conference after being pelted with several microphones. God, it was gratifying. Top five press conferences, for sure.