President Biden Starts OnlyFans To Pay For New Agenda

This week, President of the United States Joe Biden announced that he would be sharing sultry images on the adult content platform OnlyFans to raise money for his Build Back Better plan, which has been struggling to gain congressional funding.

“Listen folks, here’s the deal, if those darn Republicans won’t give me the money to help with my new infrastructure bill, then I’m gonna have to do it myself. My OnlyFans will go public in exactly one week, and I’ll be doing things that the American public has never seen before. Butt stuff, feet stuff, digit play, sucking and fucking, I got it all. Better strap in folks, because Biden’s just getting started.”

White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki attempted to clarify the announcement among a flurry of questions from reporters at a recent press briefing.

“We don’t know yet if the president will be showing his butthole but I’m sure that is on the table…. No, we don’t know if he’ll be showing the tip or just the shaft we’re still waiting on confirmation. No, Mr. Carlson, the President will not be taking requests at this point in time, but he does appreciate the enthusiasm.”

Surprisingly, the right-wing media has had very little to say about this whole ordeal. When asked if she had subscribed to President Biden’s OnlyFans, political commentator Candice Ownes became flustered and simply said “Um uh… I haven’t uh seen any of President Biden’s dicks- I mean pics! I haven’t seen any of his pics. I haven’t any of them at balls- ALL! I haven’t seen any of them at all… I gotta go.”

In an exclusive scoop, the Doily Allergen has received an advanced screening of the type of content that will be available on the President’s profile in the coming weeks. The FBI has a pretty tight lid on anyone viewing these videos who are not subscribed to Biden’s OnlyFans, but let’s just say that Biden is a straight-up freak. Jill and him get up to some nasty stuff in the oval office that would put old Billy C to shame. All we’ll say is that there’s a medal of honor involved, and you won’t believe where that ends up.

We here at the Doily Allergen support Biden and his efforts to raise money for the American people. You never saw Donald Trump doing anything like this before… wait nevermind. Anyway, go subscribe to Biden on OnlyFans, we promise you won’t regret it!