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  • Doily Allergen

Proctorio Update Discourages Cheating By Shooting You

proctorio shooting you

With finals week in full swing and exams moved online, many professors have expressed concerns about academic dishonesty. To counteract this, some have begun using an updated version of Proctorio, the anti-cheating software, that just shoots suspected cheaters in the head.

“We coded Proctorio to catch cheaters, and between tracking eye-movements and shutting down access to other tabs, our software is like the apex predator of anti-cheating software,” said Miranda Ocampo. “With the newest update, Proctorio is ready to bring death and fear to the classroom like never before. We’re happy to announce that the program can now convert the hardware of any computer into a small firearm designed to propel a 9mm bullet straight through the skull of anyone who shows the slightest signs of cheating, whether it’s a coincidence or not. Here at Proctorio, we believe that anyone who so much as thinks about cheating deserves to die, and you may quote us on that.”

Proctorio is notoriously hardcore compared to other anti-cheating programs, something that coders like Ocampo are “probably more proud of than we should be.” She and her staff worked around the clock to develop the ideal program for “clapping motherfuckers midway through the free-response section.”

“The process of getting a computer to do this was really complicated, but our staff is devoted to ensuring that cheaters, real and suspected alike, are executed without trial,” she said. “The update even comes with some options for how teachers want to implement it. My personal favorite just smokes one of every ten students in the class before the test even starts, to terrify the others into compliance. It’s some real Roman emperor shit. Doesn’t it just quench your bloodlust, if only for a little while?”

When asked about what Proctorio has in store for their next update, Ocampo said she wants to design software that can smell your fear and responds by delivering a fatal electric shock, stating “if you thought exams were stressful before, just you wait.”


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