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  • Doily Allergen

Quaint Liberal Town Abruptly Turned Into Grimy Debauched Hellhole

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Shocking reports of what multiple witnesses have described as “an invading swarm of reckless, horny children” has abruptly turned a quaint liberal town into a debauched hellhole. Bystanders watched in horror as the homey yet sophisticated atmosphere of their favorite coffee shops and artisan jewelry stores became populated by intoxicated hooligans vaping and trying to hookup.

Dillon Lynch, a longtime snob, was one of the first to have his “natural ambiance” disturbed by the unexpected newcomers.

“Liza and I were tending to our urban garden while listening to NPR when we saw a gang of young people unlawfully discarding their aluminum cans. By 10pm, the whole block was overrun with half-naked youths stumbling around and claiming that something was ‘about to be lit.’ I contacted our fire department chief and tipped him off about a possible arson in the area.”

Other witnesses reported hordes of young men and women assembling on otherwise charming suburban lawns, forcing each other to drink toxic liquids and chanting about how they would “run this place for the next four years.”

“It was an alarming ritual,” said Nancy Ackerman, registered Democrat and owner of several David Foster Wallace novels. “It had the ferocity of a pagan feast. For months this has been a quiet, brick-pathed street displaying its political leanings by waving gay pride flags. Now there’s a banner hanging from that house that says ’21 TO DRINK, 18 TO SLEEPOVER. RUSH IN YA BITCH.’ It’s saddening. Perhaps I’ll make some green tea and think about how much I hate republicans. That always calms me down.”

The Pedestrian Mall, once the heart of the city’s cultured identity, is now awash with heavy petting and drunken shit talking.

“Before Monday August 26, you just didn’t see as many pools of vomit or young men calling one another ‘cock-ringed fuck boys’ around here,”

Tasha Barns, who moved to the city two years ago because she loved acrylic painting and Joni Mitchell, was upset at the increasing amount of incidents involving vomit near her favorite reading spot.

“Before Monday August 26, you just didn’t see as many pools of vomit or young men calling one another ‘cock-ringed fuck boys’ around here,” said Barns. “It’s just a shame what’s happening to this town. Maybe I should move back to Cedar Falls, where everything is nice and boring.”

City officials are still unsure of where the migrants originated or what they hoped to achieve by coming to a small town with a vibrant arts scene only to run around with backpacks asking random people for amphetamines.

“Make no mistake, we are working tirelessly across departments to figure out why this lovely town has been transformed into a crappy Midwestern version of Reno,” said Police Chief Adam Waters. “We encourage the public to inform law enforcement of any suspicious activity, which shouldn’t be too hard to come by since these kids are fucking shit up just about everywhere.”

Citizens’ worst fears were realized when, on the first Saturday after the invasion, thousands of people began descending upon the city’s hospitals and clinics, charging through the streets in color coordinated clothing, shouting how they would “tear this place apart tonight.”

“Oh my god, get the children out of here!” Doctors shouted, until realizing that the horde of unkempt teenagers was headed toward the town’s unused stadium.

“Why we are thankful for the chance to spend a Saturday afternoon drinking mimosas and talking about our book club without being harassed, those surly buffoons are making an awful lot of noise over there,” said Monica Lapel. “Who knows how long this barbaric activity they’re taking part in will last?”

As many suspected, a mere three hours later the town’s most respected establishments were crammed with sweaty, shitfaced people babbling about how “[We] should have fucking killed those guys,” and ordering all of the Busch Light, a beverage normally used to unclog restaurant toilets.

At press time, most longtime residents felt they could tolerate the new arrivals “for about 9 or so months” before they would “lose patience with the liberal way” and forcibly relocate them into entry-level jobs or their parents’ basements.


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