Quarantine Pride Celebration Held in Closet
With the news that Iowa City will not be holding their annual Pride Parade this year, local member of the LGBT community, Adrian Chaser, has decided to hold a Pride Month celebration in his closet.
“I know it’s a little unorthodox,” said Chaser. “I think we are just trying to get back to our roots here and find out what pride means when we can’t be out and proud on the streets like we were last year.”
Coming out with his idea sparked concerns of COVID-19 due to the close proximity of guests in the closet. The evening was supposed to include a drag show that ended up being queens with fantastic looks in one corner of the closet reading other partygoers while trying not to get their wigs caught together.
“I literally had to take a body shot out of some guy’s belly button just because there was no space to store drinks,” said Nathan Schofield, “I Can’t say I really minded though it, he was very cute and said he washed his hands.”
Despite the lack of space, a VIP room was unofficially declared by the “gold star gays” in the section of Chaser’s closet near the dirty clothes hamper.
“They’re a bunch of animals. That kind of exclusivity is outdated and pack-like” said Roland Pilike, the self-proclaimed “biggest bear” in Iowa City.
“They really choose the worst spot. None of them were able to grab a party blower or kazoo for the impromptu karaoke of Lady Gaga’s Chromatica in its entirety. There’s nothing more aesthetic than your fellow gays screaming ‘Rain on Me’ directly into your eardrum.” Said Hanna Edinburgh, who suggested we watch her videos of the party and cottatgecore DIY on TicToc.
Other highlights reportedly included a pitcher of a bright green cocktail that “tastes like the first girl you were ever with”, a white elephant butt plug exchange, and getting absolutely covered in rainbow glitter.
When the party ended and everyone came out of the closet, there was a resounding feeling of relief that was either a metaphorical weight being lifted off their shoulders, or because Chaser still wears Axe body spray and the whole closet reeked of dude.