Report: Why Was Herky So Caked Up at the Engagement Fair?
Iowa City, IA—This is a special investigative report conducted by the Doily Allergen’s on-site reporters over the last nearly two weeks since the 2023 University of Iowa Student Engagement Fair took place. Research included manual examination of the subject, the gathering of witness testimonials, and video surveillance footage review—and all to begin to answer the vexing question of, “Why was the inflatable Herky at the Engagement Fair so caked up?” (Not that we’re complaining, tho...)
DA reporters first noticed the status of the blow-up Herky’s bottom while doing a routine inspection of the fairgrounds to ensure that the government or university had not yet planted bombs to dispatch us. While the reporters were initially shocked at the inflatable cake boasted by our beloved institution’s buff bird mascot, they soon realized that it was actually not something to complain about at all, though it definitely was still something to ponder.
Other witnesses also reported being “amazed” and “inspired” by the discovery, with one even going so far as to state that they would now “dedicate [their] life to achieving the perfect form that Hercules-chan possesses so naturally.” However, none could answer the question of why Herky was Like That.
Well, as far as we can tell, the answer is simple: he’s just built different, and our God Lord Jesus Christ in Heaven demanded that Herky be created with the most perfect form a man-bird hybrid could ever have. In fact, close Biblical study suggests that Herky was indeed made in God’s image, far more accurately than mankind will ever be able to achieve.
Thankfully, if the University of Iowa Department of Religious Studies is to be believed, then in Heaven, we will all have Herky’s stupendous bod. Amen.