Riding the High of Purchasing Old Capitol Mall, University of Iowa Announces Plans to Colonize India
Announcing an emergency press conference, UI campus manager Rob Florsham and the coordinator of the International Studies program Dana Polin rushed onto the stage with a crazed look in their eyes. “The mall is just the beginning,” Florsham told the still-gathering crowd. “We’re gonna control the entire Spice Trade.”
Frothing at the mouth, Polin explained how India was the natural next step for Iowa to grow its international strength.
“After we bullied the landowners out of their share of the mall, we climbed atop the golden dome and looked out over Iowa City. Everything the sun touched was, in one way or another, the technical property of the University of Iowa. One of the interns joked that the ‘Sun never Sets’, and we just knew: we have to colonize India.”
Addressing the growing unease among the crowd, Florsham took a moment to describe the tactical advantages the University would gain from this country-acquisition. “India is rich in natural resources that we lack, such as timber and.. um.. well, there’s the Spice Trade! We’re not quite certain what the spices in question are, but we know that other European powers are desperate to control it! Wresting control of all major sea ports in India is the best way to get a new influx of funds to this University, and finally earn some goddamn respect.”
As the audience of reporters began to shout angrily, Florsham and Polin cried out, “Wait! Just look at this infographic!” When said infographic was actually a painted portrait of UI President Barbara Wilson with a crown and scepter, they hurriedly fled the stage before the Hawkeye Marching Band could even perform their rendition of “God Save the Queen.”