Sad: Student Throws Funeral Every Time One Of His Succulents Dies
Freshman Benny Hernandez reported that he has been throwing small funerals for his succulent plants every time they die, and they die frequently.
“I got lonely in the dorm and I heard succulents were easy to take care of, so I got one. Then it died. Then I got another one. Then it died. Then… you get the picture. I’ve been giving each one a funeral to pay my respect, but my human friends aren’t being very supportive for some reason.”
According to his roommate, Chad Beckman, the funeral receptions consist of a plate of hors d’oeuvres (squeeze cheese on crackers) set on a paper plate next to the futon. Hernandez also plays royalty free piano music on his laptop.
“Usually I’m the only other person that attends, because I literally live with him and I can’t find an excuse to not go. We kind of just stare at the dead plant in its pot until he starts tearing up. That dude cannot keep a plant alive, I don’t know why he keeps buying them.”
When asked how many succulent funerals Hernandez had thrown, Beckman said, “Uh… maybe like 20? Honestly, I’m kind of afraid to ask him how much time he’s devoted to this. I feel like I never see him go to class anymore.”
Beckman stated that Hernandez has been spending less time talking to people and more time trying and failing to raise sad indoor plants.