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  • Ev Walters

Scientists Discover ‘Relentless’ Sexual Tension Between Owalas and Stanleys

doctor reasearching stanley cups and owalas

While the human need for hydration remains constant, water bottle trends continue to rise and fall like changing tides. From the Yeti and Camelback crazes of yore to the Hydro Flasksksksk epidemic in the late 2010s, people across the country have been riding the wave of these popular bottles. However, according to the nation’s top scientists, the recent uptick in Stanley and Owala water bottles on campus is a bit more than just a fad: they’re actually “fucking like crazy.”


“These water bottle brands aren’t only competing on the market. They appear to have a certain je ne sais quoi that implies deep, relentless rivals-to-lovers sexual tension,” states Dr. A. M. Vee, renowned yaoi-ologist. “They’re the Naruto and Sasuke of the hydration world.”


Both of these brands have different features that appeal to their respective demographics. The Stanley Cup is definitely the most popular on social media, with its large carrying capacity, nifty handle, and convenient straw top cover. But the Owala bottle is steadily rising in its popularity, wowing consumers with its wide variety of colors and the fact it doesn’t have lead in its manufacturing process. No one would have expected them to come into popularity and a relationship at the same time, but here they are.


One scientist was able to report a fascinating conversation he observed between Stanley and Owala early on in their relationship:


“When led into a room, Owala had an outburst and blushed furiously upon seeing the furniture arrangements, saying ‘B-but, Stanley… There’s only one bed.’ Stanley attempted to comfort Owala with the embrace of its strong handle, and Owala called him a ‘baka’. However, as the night went on, they snuggled and slept close together.”


Clearly, what was assumed to be another instance of simple water bottle trends had blossomed into Wattpad’s wet dream. The two water bottles have been spotted gazing into each other’s cerulean orbs, h*lding h*nds, and engaging in sex regularly in various locations. Unfortunately for their private life, they’ve been caught numerous times due to the loud clanking of their metal bodies against each other. It is not particularly subtle.

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