Seamans Center Swallowed by Massive Sinkhole, Giggles Ensue
Beloved University of Iowa building Seamans Center, home of the College of Engineering, fell into a massive sinkhole late Monday morning, sparking poorly concealed laughter across Iowa City.
“Today we mourn the loss of our beloved Seamans Center, as well as the many students and faculty members killed in this unfortunate catastrophe. The Seamans Center was completely swallowed by that massive hole…” said College of Engineering Dean Harriet Nembhard as she turned away from the crowd to snicker. “I’m sorry just saying it out loud is hard to swallow. Oh shit! Did you all hear that? That was good. Come on that was an 8 out of 10 joke right there. Anyone? No one?”
In the hours following the sinkhole opening up, multiple reports of discrete guffaws could be heard throughout Iowa City. One eyewitness said people throughout the city were covering their faces or turning away from people just to let out a chuckle or a snortle.
“No one seemed to want to admit how funny this was,” said sophomore and Joker enthusiast Dylan Lang. “But I mean come on… Seamans? Sinkhole? That’s comedy gold right there, and I’m tired of pretending it isn’t.”
“It’s really a tragedy… what happened to Seamans Center,” said eyewitness Chris Longhart, struggling to hold back laughter. “That really was a massive sinkhole, biggest one I’ve ever seen… and it also smelled really bad too.”
Multiple reports were made about the stench coming off of the massive sinkhole. Dr. Terry Rocks, a professor of Geology at the University of Iowa, said “In our recent lab analyses of the sinkhole site, we noticed that there was quite a staggering amount of noxious fumes emanating from that giant hole. These fumes contained a mixture of carbon dioxide, hydrogen sulfide, and methane. We think that these mixtures of gases actually might have contributed to the sinkhole opening up as wide as it did.”
While many mourn the loss of the Seamans Center, many geologists say the event could have been a lot worse. Dr. Rocks said that the tragedy could have been a lot worse if the sinkhole had merged with a large crack that had formed not too far away. “If that sinkhole and that crack were to fuse together, we would be looking at a geological catastrophe the likes of which we have never seen. The crack and sinkhole were kept apart by a large forest, and if that forest had not been there, the whole thing might have blown up in our faces.” At that point, Dr. Rocks was so overcome by the giggles that he had to step away from the interview. He later came back and apologized for “being so off today”. Multiple reporters noted that Seamans in that sinkhole got Rocks off that day.