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  • Doily Allergen

Student Crosses Intersection Few Seconds Early, Asserts Dominance

person crossing street

UI students at the intersection of Dubuque and Jefferson street were put in their place after sophomore Jake McCulsky crossed the street a few seconds before the walk-signal changed, asserting his total superiority over everyone there.

“I was blown away,” said senior Lisa Trevino. “Crossing before the little walking guy shows up? That’s something only an absolute alpha could pull off. I’d never even seen this guy before, but right then and there I knew I would follow him to the ends of the Earth.”

Other witnesses to this unprecedented display of power said that even after the signal had changed, many of them were too stunned to cross at all. Those that did made sure to keep their distance from this archetype of masculinity. At least one onlooker fainted.

Reports indicated that one motorist actually appeared to be running the light, but stopped when he saw McCulsky.

“I was going to make that light my bitch,” said Evan Task. “But then this kid just walks out like he does it all the time, didn’t even look to make sure I wasn’t going to blow through a light. I’ve lived in Iowa City for years, and have never seen anyone with that kind of raw confidence before, at least not sober. I’m not ashamed to say he scared me off.”

Reporters caught up to McCulsky to ask him about this incredible power move.

“I follow my own path,” he said before donning a pair of sunglasses and walking into the sunset.


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