Student Gets More Than Bargained for When Ordering Cup of Soup at Burge Market Place
Student Terrance Bombardo woke up on the morning of February 2nd, not knowing he was going to commit one of the worst offensives fathomable to the human mind.
His week had been going especially poorly. On Monday, he spilled his iced chai latte all over himself in his Introduction to Ethics course and couldn't go back to his apartment to change; on Tuesday, he got a call from his mom saying his pet raccoon that occupied his room while he was gone at school had tragically passed away; and on Wednesday night, his roommate, whose room is right next to his, kept him all night as he was making sweet, sweet love to his girlfriend of two days. Bombardo was scheduled to work at the Burge Market Place on Thursday from 8 a.m. to 1 p.m., his usual shift. He was going to work having only slept 3 hours.
"I was so fucking beat, bro,” Bombardo commented with teary eyes. “I didn't get to bed until 4 a.m. because of my roommate and his girlfriend. He knew that I was sad because of Mr. Niblits passing away, and he still did that to me. I couldn't believe it.”
Bombardo reported to Burge at 8 a.m. sharp, baggy eyes and all. He carried out his normal work first at the Grab 'n' Go Breakfast station until 10:30 a.m., and then he moved to the salad bar where everyone's favorite soup, cheddar potato bacon, was being served.
"I served at least 150 cups of potato cheddar soup in just one hour. I just got so fucking tired of one person after another coming up to me asking for a cup of this dumb-ass, student-made, shitty-ass soup like it was their last meal," said Bombardo. "At some point I started messing with them. They would ask for soup and I would act like we were out when we definitely weren't. I even told one person to 'check up their butt' after they asked me where the soup was. I was sick of it."
Despite his behavior, Bombardo's supervisor wouldn't let him changestations due to short staffing. This pissed him off even more; he had reached his breaking point.
Physics major Brad Sbertoli approached the salad bar, excited to be served his portion of cheddar potato bacon soup. He did what everyone else had done; he politely asked Bombardo for a serving of soup and waited patiently. Instead, he got an odd response from the worker in return. Bombardo told him he would give Sbertoli his cup of soup in the alleyway behind Burge. He told him it was made fresh and it was going to taste like the best cup of cheddar potato bacon soup he had ever eaten.
"I had been thinking about what I was going to do for the last 15 minutes of my shift. I knew that the next person who came up to me was going to get it. I was going to release my anger on them in the most hurtful way I could," Bombardo told us.
Bombardo brought Sbertoli into the alleyway. They were face to face when Bombardo cupped his hand, brought it near his fully clothed anus, and ripped the most insane fart (maybe even shart) he could muster. He then took his cupped hand and quickly placed it underneath the other boy's nostrils. After about 15 seconds and one strong whiff, Sbertoli fainted.
"I was shocked at what I had done. I didn't expect my fart to have that much power. I called the guy an ambulance. It was the only thing I could think to do," said Bombardo with regret.
An ambulance arrived for the unconscious student, who was driven to the University of Iowa Hospitals and Clinics. The Doily Allergen contacted the hospital regarding Sbertoli's condition. Sbertoli is currently in the Medical ICU at UIHC after having undergone a double lung transplant following his exposure to the rankest, stankiest, most foul cup of soup that has ever been brewed. Bombardo is still employed at the Burge Market Place, but is contemplating joining the United States Military after they offered him money to let them weaponize his debilitating toots.