Student Health To Add Second Question To Vaccine Survey To Weed Out People Who Can’t Hang

With vaccines opening up for the general public, the University of Iowa is doing its part to spread awareness of the vaccine through email notifications guiding students to a comprehensive one-question survey on if they want the vaccine or not. However, UI Student Health and vaccine administrators have decided to add a second question to weed out people who can’t hang.

“Pretty much immediately, we realized that we made a mistake having only one question in the survey,” said Student Health Director Natalie Zhou. “If you tell people you have vaccines at your place, people are going to flock there on Friday night, and soon you have too many people to make sure all of them are chill, and then the cops show up. It’s just how that goes. If we can weed all the nerds out though, then we can all have a good time and get vaccinated as fuck.”

Zhou and other Student Health officials have been workshopping possible follow-up questions to thin the herd, including “who do you know here who told you about the vaccine?” and “you’re not a narc are you? (you legally have to tell me if you are).”

The university emails promoting the vaccine have also changed tone, saying, “please be patient and fill out the survey, we have no updates until you do that and also stop DMing us about this, we already have a lot of stress from our midterms and everyone messaging us is NOT helping.”

“Obviously everyone wants the vaccine,” Zhou said. “But McKenna and I didn’t get enough for the entire damn town. And like, we’re flattered everyone wants to come, but this was supposed to just be a small thing for the Student Health squad and maybe a few other friends so things don’t get boring.”

Zhou added that there are plenty of other places around Iowa City for people to get vaccinated, and they heard Luke H from HyVee has some. Luke H declined to comment.