top of page
  • Doily Allergen

Student Races Back Into Bathroom Stall After Dyson Hand Dryer Scares Shit Out Of Him

dyson air

After drying his hands with a Dyson Air-Blade in the library bathroom, senior Jason Palberg could be seen waddling back into the stalls, explaining that the hand dryer had literally scared the shit out of him.

“I always forget how deafeningly loud those things are,” he said through the stall door. “I had just finished washing my hands, and the whole process was done, and then the second the Air-Blade turned on, it just started making this noise like a chainsaw starting up. I was just hit by wave after wave of fear and regret and the smell of a fresh turd in my pants. It’s hard to be prepared for something like that. I just thought, ‘welp, looks like round two,’ and ran back to my old stall.”

According to Palberg, this was far from the first time the Air-Blade hand dryers have frightened him to the extent of pitching one off right into his jeans.

“Everyone I know has a story like this,” he said. “Half the people at the university have tinnitus! I’ve blacked out from fear a couple times just from passing by the bathroom and hearing that ungodly “WHHHHHRRRHSSSHSHSH” sound. I personally don’t know what a tsunami sounds like, but I’m guessing it’s not far off from the noise those dryers make. I will say they definitely go above and beyond for hand-cleaning efficiency, but my god! At what cost?”

At press time, Palberg had finished his second round of pooping and washed his hands, and was heading toward the dryers to — OH, NO! JASON, NO!


Featured Articles

bottom of page