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  • Doily Allergen

Student Spotlight: Absolute Maniac Condenses Entire Spring Break Into One Day

man on spring break

Last semester, the University announced they would be shattering every student’s mental health by replacing spring break with two smaller instruction breaks. When the announcement came, most students were disappointed that their original plans for spring break would be put on hold. But not UI junior Nico Pentona. Despite the reduced time slot and raging pandemic, this maniac crunched his entire spring break plan into the March 2 instructional break.

“The most complicated part was honestly just getting the flights figured out,” Pentona said. “The airline called me to make sure I really wanted a flight to and from Galveston, Texas on the same day. But I just told them “yeah, dude, we’re fuckin’ sending it” and the lady on the other end was like “fuck yeah bruh, go off” and that was that.”

Once arriving in Galveston, this literal crazy man burned through a checklist of spring break activities, including “puking and rallying,” “spontaneously deciding to try ecstasy for the first time,” and “betting on a cock fight.”

“There was one thing I wasn’t totally sure I could pull off,” Pentona said. “A saga, really. My magnum opus, if you will. The plan was to hook up with someone, get chlamydia, get tested for chlamydia, and regret hooking up with the person who gave me chlamydia. Luckily, I had my buddies chip in to pay off a doctor in Galveston to be on stand-by for me, and I’m happy to say I’m chlamydia positive as of 5:54 p.m.! U-S-A! U-S-A! But I guess this means I have chlamydia now, so that sucks. Wait! That’s it, that’s the whole series! I did it! U-S-A! U-S-A!”

The absolute madlad said that he couldn’t have completed his list without the help of his friends, God, and the girl from Texas A&M who gave him chlamydia.

Pentona is reportedly planning a second one-day spring break for April, depending on the results of his COVID-19 test.


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