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  • Doily Allergen

Student Spotlight: My RA Gave Me “The Talk” During Hawk Talk


hawk talk

It was a day just like any other. I was walking home from my last class of the day in Seamans Center when I heard a group of guys laughing outside.


“Bro, why the fuck would they name it Seaman’s Center bro? That’s hilarious!”


I was quite confused. I grew up in a small town named Cumming, Iowa, and I was sort of a sheltered kid growing up. I had never heard the f-word until I came to the University of Iowa, and I had no idea why Seamans Center was even funny! Was it because it was on a hill? I had to know. I had to be in on the joke. Then I remembered that I had my first Hawk Talk of the semester scheduled with my RA that evening. Perfect!


I raced home and patiently waited until 8 pm, then I went over to his room and knocked on his door. He opened the door and greeted me warmly.


“Hey, Jebidiah, come on in!” he said. I stepped in and sat on the bean bag chair in the middle of the room. “So how’s your semester going so far? I noticed you’ve been having trouble making friends and I just-”


“Zachary, can I ask you a question?” I blurted. I couldn’t wait. I had to have my questions answered now.


“Uh, sure. What’s up?” he said.


“There were these boys laughing outside the Seamans Center today. They seemed to be laughing at the building itself. And I don’t understand why. Can you help me?” I asked hopefully.


“Uh… Ok, well do you know what seamen is?” He asked.


“Those are the people that work on boats right?” I guessed.


“Kind of… Do you know what sex is?”


“Actually, not really. My father has never been one to talk about this kind of stuff. Whenever I ask him about it he just screams and runs out of the room. Please, Zachary, please teach me.” I said.


“Alright, I guess,” Zachary said. “Well you see, when two people love each other very much, they decide to…”


I won’t bore you with all the details. But we talked about everything. And I mean everything: Doggy style, missionary style, the sixty-nine (nice), the corkscrew, the cowgirl, the reverse cowgirl, the pretzel, the wheelbarrow, the lotus apple turnover, the backdoor slider, the chitty chitty bang bang, all of it! I left that Hawk Talk feeling like a new man. A changed man. I was gonna be able to laugh at those jokes! College just got a whole lot more interesting for old Jebidiah. I’m so glad the University instituted these talks, and I can’t wait for the next one! Maybe then my RA can explain to me what pegging is.

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