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  • Ashley Cimarolli

Student Spotlight: Student Returns From Summer Break Paler Than Before


Summer break is undoubtedly a special time for students at the University of Iowa, but it isn’t necessarily the break that we are excited to get to; it’s our grandiose return to school as we strut down the T. Anne Cleary walkway with our newly found sassy swagger, rooted in a complete change of our physical appearance. A study conducted by the University of Iowa’s Haircuts for Men club reported that 90% of students returned to their hometowns for a haircut to avoid the regrettable bangs they cut themselves in their dorm room last semester.

While many students were making brave hair choices, others were making equally brave tanning choices.

Kimmy Dearly is a naturally blonde student at the University who is on record saying she’s been brutally mistaken for the (almost late) Queen of England, Lizzy, because of her ridiculously FAIR skin. So while Lizzy was celebrating her Platinum Jubilee, Kimmy had a jubilee of her own, by applying a very generous layer of Jergens new tanning cream. The tanning cream is credited by nine out of ten doctors to taste and smell like your dad’s brand-new, pre-owned car.

“I just couldn’t get enough,” Kimmy said.

With her new look and smell, she took to the town. She entered the hip, radical nightclub downtown where only the coolest of the cool hang in the night. When she entered, the room was dark and threatening.

Kimmy commented that “it was all a blur, honestly. [Her] only memory is of the bat sitting on the bartender’s fedora.”

A witness says the club is known for its dark atmosphere. Patrons even embrace the offputting vibe. The night really took a twist for Kimmy when she ordered her drink.

When asked what drink she purchased, she refused to comment, but her chocolate milk-stained lips said otherwise. Kimmy continued.

“Suddenly a woman turned to me and complimented my overwhelming stench and aura. She asked if she could sniff me… and what is a woman to say, but yes when a fellow woman asks to smell her? This next sequence of events was a little hazy, but she did bite my arm, see?”

It’s unclear what truly happened to Kimmy in that club, but the one thing we are certain of is that she was bitten by a vampire. Witnesses credit her leaving the club with her tanning lotion all but sweated off and a loose finger between her teeth. Experts say this is “classic vampire behavior” and Kimmy must have entered the world of the undead.

As Kimmy returned to classes, her friends noticed that she was, inconceivably, paler than before. One of her friends, who is all-too-familiar with this phenomenon, commented, “it’s not that unexpected. With no blood coursing through her veins, how can you expect a woman to be tan?” And we couldn’t agree more. We respect and appreciate Kimmy and her friend for spreading awareness about sexism in the tanning industry. Some people are simply vampires and that is not something we should blame them for. Please reach out a hand or arm for the Kimmy’s of your friend group, and be sure to value everyone as they come.


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