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  • Doily Allergen

Student Working as Research Assistant Won’t Shut the Fuck Up

research assistant

In April 2022, it was heavily hinted at by Brandon Collins, now Junior, that he’d “definitely get a research grant” because his professor “really likes him.” Brandon Collins is a radiology student at the University of Iowa, and if you didn’t know that yet I’d be surprised because he literally won’t shut the fuck up about it for two seconds. Also, by the way, he got the position and he will not shut the fuck up about it.

Authorities speculate that Collins, 20, could possibly have a huge crush on his professor due to the amount of time he spends talking about him. In fact, Collins does not shut the fuck up about his professor, nor’ the fancy new MRI machine that he gets to use for his research position. While it’s unclear if Collins has actually ever even touched the machine, he will not shut the fuck up about what it does and the “implications” his research has for the field of radiology. According to most experts, though, the only thing that it implies is that Brandon Collins is a douchebag idiot.

However, Collins cites radiology research being “his life” as the reason as to why he’s unable to shut the fuck up. While he has admitted on the record that he only ever talks about his research job and that he’s “lame at parties”, no reports have confirmed that he’s been invited to one. Still, this hasn’t stopped Collins from berating me about how my degree in ceramics “is useless” and how right out of college, I’ll be washing dishes at HuHot if I’m lucky.


As of 10:24PM, Brandon Collins did in fact shut the fuck up after I asked him why the MRI machine he was doing research on over the summer got cancelled by the University. Despite him citing budget cuts as the primary reason, after further digging, authorities were able to discover that the MRI machine was canceled because it wasn’t even that cool or special in the first place. Nowadays, when Brandon Collins isn’t hard at work on his degree, he spends his free time playing Valorant as well as working part-time at the HuHot in Coralville where he’s a dishwasher. What a lucky guy.


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