The Doily Allergen’s Guide To The Presidential Candidates
Election day is almost here, and the world of politics can be confusing. But don’t worry, The Doily Allergen is here to help break down the candidates in the running for president in 2020.
Not much to say here, there are no notable republican candidates running this year. In fact, the news has barely covered this party at all for the last four years.
What’s a democrat?
Howie Hawkins (Green Party)
Ah, here we go. Finally, candidates with some actual name recognition.
As with all candidates for the Green Party since its creation, Hawkins lives in a tree deep in the woods of Oregon. Hawkins’s platform is based on the notion that you should also come live in the tree with him, as it’s pretty cool in there and he has weed. Hawkins also models for stock photos of dentists in his spare time.
Jo Jorgenson (Libertarian Party)
Replacing Gary Johnson as the libertarian candidate is Jo Jorgenson, a political activist and part-time “Flo from Progressive” impersonator. Jorgenson’s running mate is nicknamed “Spike,” which tells you everything you need to know about him, and Jorgenson herself has run on the position of dramatically reducing the size of the federal government with her patented Government Shrink Ray ™. Other specific measures include publicly stoning all current and future members of congress, abolishing the executive branch, and packing the Supreme Court (into a van and driving it off of a cliff).
Don Blankenship (Constitution Party)
For those who don’t know (everyone), the Constitution Party is a right-wing party based on a hardline originalist interpretation of the Constitution, Bill of Rights, Bible, Dictionary, Little Engine That Could, and Complete Idiot’s Guide To Presidential Leadership. Their candidate for president is Don Blankenship, a former energy CEO and the love child between Ron Swanson and Kevin Malone. Blankenship’s platform toward taxes is “no” and his stance on climate change is that the environment is a dirty bastard who “had it coming.”
Kanye West (Birthday Party)
Kanye West is a former rapper currently working as an insane person. West’s more notable platforms include who the hell cares it’s Kanye West and he’s running for president. Of the United States. Of America.
West is running with the Birthday Party because why the fuck not. Nothing matters anymore.
Gloria La Riva (Socialism and Liberation Party)
Gloria La Riva is an activist, writer, and off-brand Marianne Williamson from California running as a candidate on the socialism and liberation ticket. Wait, socialism? AH! COMMIE! RUN!
Phil Collins (Prohibition Party)
Phil Collins is an English drummer, singer, songwriter, multi-instrumentalist, record producer, and actor, best known as the drummer/singer of the rock band Genesis and for his solo career. Between 1982 and 1990, Collins – wait, wrong Phil Collins, sorry.
Collins is running on a platform that went out of style in 1933 and seeks to take away the one thing we as a society require to get through 2020. But on the other hand, his party mascot is a camel.
The Concept of Love (Write-In Vote)
Many Iowa City residents have begun writing in “Love” as a protest vote to avoid voting for any of the other candidates, one in particular. Some have criticized Love for its lack of clear policies while others say the concept’s staggering naivety could be an asset when dealing with global geopolitical conflicts.
Love has been very appreciative of the support but has gone on record saying that it does not want the job.
Rusty The Giant Sloth (Write-In Vote)
Rusty has gained traction in recent months among conspiracy theorists after a series of Facebook posts spreading misinformation about COVID-19. A local group of devoted followers calling themselves the Prehistoric Truth Party has campaigned for a mass write-in of the giant sloth, which is reportedly still being scolded by MacBride Natural History Museum employees.
“Age brings wisdom,” said Aaron Dyer, member of the Prehistoric Truth Party. “And Ol’ Rusty has at least 7.4 million years on any of these other morons. Oh, hang on, someone’s coming down T. Anne Clearly. RUSTY SPEAKS THE TRUTH! RUSTY SPEAKS THE TRUTH!”