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  • Doily Allergen

“This Year’s Actually Been Pretty Good For Me,” Says Deranged Danger To Society

deranged student

Most sane human beings would agree that 2020 has been an absolute dumpster fire of a year, with almost no respite from an onslaught of upsetting or life-altering events. The pandemic, the protests, the celebrity deaths. It’s enough to fill anyone with despair. And yet, in spite of it all, UI junior and apparently straight-up psychopath Will Novesky has been absolutely thriving.

“I guess you could say this has been my year,” Novesky said with a twisted grin that frankly made me sick to my stomach. “I’ve finally gotten around to finishing a whole bunch of books that I’ve been wanting to read for so long. And I’ve been meaning to cut back on partying, my grades were starting to slip. So now that I’ve been quarantined, I’ve been way more caught up on my classwork. I honestly think I prefer online classes.”

Sick fuck.

Where many UI students spent 2020 digging themselves deeper and deeper into a pit of depression and anxiety like the well-adjusted members of society that they are, Novesky has spent the last seven months finding uniquely disturbing ways to keep his mind occupied.

“I’ve been working out once a day,” he said. “I’ve been trying to make it into a habit so I can keep in shape after this pandemic is in our rear view. Oh, and I’ve been learning how to play guitar. I’ve gotten pretty good at it!”

Clearly that last part was code for “I’ve been dissecting live cats for sexual pleasure.”

But that’s not all Novesky had to say about the past year. He also recognized that 2020 has been hard for everyone, himself included, though I’m pretty sure he just said that so he could slither his way back into my good graces.

“I’ll be the first to say 2020 has been tough,” the future murderer said. “The thing that stands out to me was all those fires in California. For a while I was really worried that we were going to lose our home. But with the year wrapping up, I just think the positives have outweighed all the bumps that we’ve faced, you know?”

Bumps? BUMPS? There’s an actual pandemic going on, democracy is falling apart, and Zoom is destroying my laptop battery, and those are just bumps to you? There is a special place in hell for you, Will. That’s it. I’m calling the police. If you can’t be depressed about 2020 like a normal person, you deserve to be in prison. Though I’m sure you’ll use that as an opportunity to turn your life around or something, you evil son of a bitch.


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