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  • Ashley Cimarolli

UI Applicants to be Reaped for Hunger Games to Limit Growing Student Body


herky hunger games reaping

University President, Barbara Wilson, recently realized she had bit off more than she could chew after selling Mayflower and had nowhere to put the record-breaking number of accepted applicants this year. She’s devised a plan, which she claims comes from her very own imagination, yet our sources say Barbara Wilson was spotted walking out of the new Hunger Games film wearing a shirt with a photo of President Snow on it, and text reading “I can fix him.”


Barbara Wilson took the capital stage at 5:07am yesterday and required the entire student body to attend as she announced that new applicants for the University must be reaped for her own Hunger Games to limit the number of incoming students. Each major, minor, and certificate will have its own reaping bowl to be drawn from. 


Herky stood tall next to Barbara Wilson yesterday morning, dressed in an original Anna Wintour gown, to read the names of the students chosen. Unfortunately, for the only student who declared the Resilience and Trauma-Informed Perspectives Certificate, they will be putting that certificate to the test in the arena.


Herky went on to select 20 students from the business and engineering majors, and every single one of the theater majors.


There seemed to be no rhyme or reason to the amount of people selected from each major. There were hours at a time when Herky was just reading off names of sports management that must fight to the death come May 1st.


The EPB is currently beginning reconstruction to become the arena for the Hunger Games and social media intern for the University, Rebecca Kelly, will be acting as head game maker. She has already decided to include a 10-minute student stand-up special designed to wipe out students by the dozens.


The Doily Allergen sends our sincerest apologies to those chosen, and are pleased to say that we are all safe because we aren’t loser freshmen like you guys.

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