UI Mental Health Department Announces Six Students Don’t Really Belong Here
The University has increased efforts in mental health care this semester, including the “You Belong Here” Campaign. Students may have noticed the sidewalk chalk and posters echoing the words of encouragement. The tortured artists and sophomore poets have perhaps thought “fuck, I guess I really belong in Iowa,” creating something of an inverse of the intended effect, as these students likely need mental health care the most.
Despite the optimistic surface of the new campaign, UI officials announced a new twist on Tuesday: six students don’t really belong here.
“Obviously all Hawkeyes belong at The University of Iowa. One of the things we are most proud of is our school’s diversity, and willingness to welcome students from all walks of life,” said assistant dean of the mental health department Hilary Adams. “But like, on the DL, like everyone belongs here, but these six students don’t, like, really belong here,” she continued in a whispered tone.
The UI Mental Health Department refuses to release which six students don’t belong or how they came to this conclusion, however they will be “dropping hints.”
“Once a week we will be sending out an email, releasing one detail about one of the six students. A majority of these hints will be incredibly vague and entirely unhelpful, but once in a while we’re gonna drop a real show stopper so make sure to stay tuned,” Adams said.
Some have been critical of the University’s approach; however Adam’s is adamant that this is for the greater good. She does however, still refuse to explicitly say what exactly makes these students unworthy of a sense of belonging on campus.
“Trust me, if you knew what I knew, you wouldn’t want them here either. I mean I obviously can’t tell you, cause that’d be a HIPPA violation, but they’re real assholes. The campus will be better off without ‘em,” she explained.
When asked why not just expel the students, and instead choose to turn it into a weird psychological torture game for all involved, Adams didn’t have a great answer.
“After a year inside, I think we’re all a little bored. We’re all just adjusting to this new normal.”