UI Parking and Transportation to Ticket Students for Standing Still Too Long

The Department of Parking and Transportation is well-known for pissing students off. You park your car for an hour and if you stay ten minutes past that time, they teleport in right at the moment your meter expires to give you a $15 ticket. Or, you wake up to find your pet lizard dead in his cage, spill your iced latte on your favorite Fortnite t-shirt, and to top it all off you are fined $25 for parking in a loading zone that wasn’t even marked as such. If you park legally, you can regularly spend $5 a day, which quickly adds up.

Surprise, surprise. Starting next week, students who stand too long in one place will be penalized for their actions.

The president of the University, Barbara Wilson, addressed the student body via Facebook Live regarding the policy.

“I am so excited. I know that everyone appreciates the hard work and effort that the UI Parking and Transportation Department puts forth to ensure parking on campus is thoroughly monitored. Without them, I am sure our community would be a hellhole. I am proud to announce some new rules that will be enforced by the Department of Parking and Transportation.” Said Wilson.

“Starting next week, they will start ticketing individuals, not just their vehicles. If you stand in one place for greater than three minutes, you will be given a ticket and be fined $50. The area in which you are standing on campus does not matter. Every surface that you stand on for more than 3 minutes can subject you to a ticket. This will be monitored by an abundance of meter maids standing in the vicinity with stopwatches.”

Wilson continued. “We realize the fine of $50 is a bit expensive, especially for college students. However, the rest of the administrative staff and I do not care and will not be taking complaints.”

“As an additional measure, if you refuse to move after you are ticketed, you will subsequently be towed by your underwear and thrown into the Iowa River. If you choose to not wear underwear in defiance of this rule, you will be publicly spanked by me.” Said Wilson with a smirk, followed by a wink.

Students on campus are less than enthused about these regulations. Many have issues with the time limits imposed on how long we can stand in one place, the expensive fines, and the outlandish method of towing.

“I’m scared for my health,” said Adler, with tears in her eyes. “I wear thongs because of how comfortable they are, though any thong wearer will tell you that they tend to ride up your butt crack. I’m terrified that, if I get towed, I will suffer trauma to my nether regions.” Adler started tearing up. “I just hope they’re gentle.”

Sophomore Brie Baker offered an opinion on the contents of Wilson’s live stream, as well as a unique method to avoid having to pay parking tickets.

“A $50 fine is absurd. Who has that much money lying around?” said sophomore Brie Baker. “My plan is to eat every ticket they give me; that way I can act like I never received it. I’ve done this with 30 parking tickets, and I think it’s starting to really affect my stomach. However, it’s worth it if I don’t have to pay up the ass for parking.”

We do not recommend that anyone copy her behavior.

The money accrued from ticketing students will be used to continue the construction of the Ped Mall.