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  • Delaney Waterman

UI Student Health Advises Birth Control Before Getting Fucked by an Exam

ui student health

It’s that time of year again: when everyone suddenly realizes that the end of the semester is approaching. They need to study fast or risk their exam slowly approaching them from behind and fucking them hard, in the ass.

For many students like ourselves, the motivation isn’t there to study anymore, and they just hope that when their exam fucks them, it cums quickly. 

With the increase of exam fucking, STDs and accidental pregnancies are on the rise throughout campus. We sat down with Dr. Richard (Dick) Assman to discuss how common exam fucking is.

“First of all, I want everyone to know that being fucked by an exam is a common occurrence. We’ve all been there. You didn’t study enough or you start an exam, thinking you know it all, and then you flip the page over, and everything is complete gibberish. So, there’s no shame coming from me.”

But we were curious, does it matter who you are in terms of transmission/pregnancy rates? Does one gender identity or nationality see a higher spike in transmission?

“It doesn’t matter gender identity, age, nationality, or type of exam, I have seen STDs and pregnancies occur in all cases. The other day I had a young man bring in his one-year-old child he birthed in the IMU gender-neutral bathroom after an especially brutal Organic Chemistry exam. The child now speaks only in chemistry equations he does not understand.” 

But what makes exams have such a high rate of STD transmission? Is it just because of the lack of protection? Or is it the type of exam that matters?

“Exams have highly fertile, potent excretion fluids that make STD transmissions and pregnancies much more common than human sexual fluids. We’ve also noticed, especially with essay exams, there’s been a huge increase in crabs. So, if you’re itchy down there after trying to explain why Dracula is actually a queer novel, you might want to stop by student health.” 

Lastly, we asked Dr. Assman what students could do to prevent them from getting the clap or getting baby-trapped by an exam that they weren’t ready for.

“The best thing they can do is use protection. Like I say, wear the glove before making love, or I guess in this case, it would be more like wearing the glove before getting absolutely railed by an exam. And it doesn’t always have to be an unpleasant experience. For extra pleasure, bring lube, and try ribbed condoms! In my experience, they always make those few hours much more fun.”


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