University of Iowa Holds “Squid Game” To Determine Winner of 45 Billion Hawk Dollars
In a shocking turn of events this week, University of Iowa President Barbara Wilson announced that the University would be hosting its own version of the infamous Korean “Squid Game”, in which contestants were entered into a deadly competition for a large pool of prize money. The game, dubbed “Hawk Game” by Wilson, will feature a variety of Iowa-themed competitions and have participants compete to win 45.6 billion Hawk Dollars.
“When I first heard about the Hawk Game, I was a bit skeptical,” said sophomore Caitlyn James. “I mean, am I really willing to risk my life just for a bunch of Hawk Dollars? But then I realized how many loads of laundry that money could provide for my family, and I knew I had to sign up.”
Other students began to realize that their lives on the outside weren’t much better than risking their lives for the Hawk Dollars.
“There’s nothing left out here for me,” said senior Hailey Black. “All I have to look forward to is my Inorganic Chem midterm, and I know I’m going to fail that. Might as well risk it all for the chance to be rolling in mozzarella sticks from the Burge C Store.”
Many students began wondering what would be played during this “Hawk Game”, and many began pressing President Wilson to announce what they would be.
“In the interest of equality for all players, I am unable to reveal the nature of the games to be played,” Wilson said in a statement. “However, it is of my opinion that these games should be simple, but also quintessential to the University of Iowa experience. I was thinking things like collegiate short-form improv, two truths and a lie, and of course a brutal fight in the rain using steak knives that encompass the arcs of two main characters and their tumultuous relationship.”
However, not everyone was completely on board with the “Hawk Game”, and many were questioning why it had to be to the death.
When pressed about the issue, President Wilson said “Listen, when you get to be the President of a Big Ten University, life stops being as fun. My friends and I just wanted to have some fun, like we did when we were gganbus playing marbles together oh so many years ago…” Wilson trailed off, looking wistfully at the slaughter of students playing Red Light, Green Light on the Pentacrest. “But there’s no way watching could be as fun as playing it yourself”, Wilson whispered.