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  • Doily Allergen

Vibe Check: The ICON Files Section “Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here”

icon files section

Vibe Check is an ongoing series of guest-written reviews of Iowa City locations and venues, because we simply cannot be bothered to write them ourselves. Today’s Vibe Check comes from guest writer Phoebe Wilde, UI junior who has not been seen on our mortal plane in two years.

The ICON “files” section- it lurks on every class page, taunting you. It likes to present itself as the most useful portal of all. Do not be deceived! The horrors that lie within have the power to destroy any student that stumbles into it’s eternal darkness.

Sure, you may go into the files section and see only the nicely organized folders your professor has laid out before you. But these only exist because earlier travelers have sacrificed their sanity to create this oasis of calm. The chaos can still not truly be contained, not when there is still the unfiled folder begging to be opened.

Most of the ICON Files section is untraveled terrain. We know more about the bottom of the ocean than we do about this perplexing web page. There you’ll find every reading ever assigned in the history of the course. I’m pretty sure my Russian history class used to actually be taught in Russian. If you look back to files uploaded in 2016, none are in English. Maybe it isn’t Russian at all but some kind of alpha binary that is the true language of the files section.

When I studied abroad in the fall, I unwittingly entered the files section when I accidentally clicked on it. The only thing uploaded there was a picture of last year’s class gathered on the Pentacrest lawn, smiling ghostly smiles. What happened to them? Are their souls trapped in the files section? What will become of our class?

Oh, the days I’ve wasted trying to find the correct syllabus in the files section! The file names are so unclear. Is it Syllabus-UPADTE.dox or Syllabus-2020.pdf? It could even be Syllabus-Spring-FinalVersion.txt. There is no way but to open them all and scour for the correct one. It may not even be there at all, and it certainly won’t be in ICON’s “syllabus” section.

I can still feel the urge to return to the ICON files section. It is calling me, consuming me. Learn from my mistakes, dear friends! Do not let this cursed program control you. Use “modules” and there will be hope for you yet.

If you would like to submit a review for Vibe Check, too bad.

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