“Werner Herzog Resigns as Film Director After Watching My BTS Fan-Cam”
Werner Herzog, the highly-acclaimed director of the best documentaries of the modern age and a mediocre Nosferatu remake, is coming to Iowa City in less than a week to take part in a Q&A panel at FilmScene that’s sure to knock the socks off little German boys everywhere. Tickets, sadly, have already sold out, but if you’re afraid of being deprived of Werner content, don’t fret! We here at the Doily Allergen had the opportunity to sit down with Mr. Herzog in an exclusive interview to discuss his prolific career and any tips he had for aspiring filmmakers.
The higher-ups at the Doily Allergen knew that they would have to send someone knowledgeable in the world of film who’d be capable of properly stimulating the mind of Mr. Herzog. So, after many hours of deliberation, they decided on a talented documentarian/video editor/best boy grip by the name of @JinKooksMommy, who’d amassed 340 million Instagram followers with her mesmerizing thirst traps and ship edits. The Doily Allergen was sure that if anyone would be able to get into the mind of a creative genius like Werner Herzog, they’d have to find someone of similar intellect, and @JinKooksMommy was exactly who they needed.
On the day of the interview, @JinKooksMommy wore her best concert tee and knee-high socks with her hair pulled up in a messy, chestnut-colored bun. When Werner Herzog arrived, the two shook hands, and our lovely interviewer offered Mr. Herzog a seat in her kitty-cat gamer chair.
@JinKooksMommytook a sip from her Starbucks Pink Drink before proceeding with her questions.
JKM: So, Mr. Herzog, it says here that, in the past fifty-five years, you have made twenty fictional motion pictures and thirty-five feature-length documentaries.
WH: Yes, that is correct.
JKM: Is there any film of yours that you still think about often? Like, even though the research and/or filmmaking process is over, it still sticks with you?
WH: I made a documentary about forty years ago called Ballad of the Little Soldier about child soldiers in Nicaragua that, to this day, still breaks my heart to even think about. It’s impossible to believe the idea that we live in a kind, reasonable world where such atrocities can take place.
JKM: So true. That’s exactly how I felt when Jin and JHope were enlisted.
Werner Herzog blinked six times in rapid succession in an attempt to process what she just said.
WH: Who are these gentlemen you speak of?
JKM: Jin and JHope? They’re the two purest babies in the world that must be protected!
WH: They’re children, then? It’s a shame how many cultures allow children to fight in wars.
JKM: Well, they’re my children, but they’re also my cute and sexy boyfriends, but they’re also my gay dads, but they’re also MOTHER, you know?
WH: Your family reunions must be quite interesting.
JKM: Well, no, I don’t know them personally. I just have a parasocial relationship with them, lol.
Werner Herzog grimaced while several blood clots bursted in the whites of his eyes. @JinKooksMommy hummed contentedly and flipped through her notes to her next question.
JKM: You were in The Mandalorian, right?
WH: Yes. Disney promised they would give me money, so I appeared on their show.
JKM: Is Pedro Pascal as much of a zaddy in real life as he is on TV??? 😏💦🥵🔥😍💪🤤🤤🤤
WH: I don’t understand anything that you just said.
JKM: Oh well, girlypop things, you know?
At that moment, @JinKooksMommy received a notification on her phone. As soon as she saw what her phone was telling her, her face lit up.
JKM: Omg, Wernie, you’ll never guess what just happened!
WH: Have the icy plains of Alaska melted away to reveal the awful truth that our treatment of the climate will make this world to warm to inhabit?
JKM: Better! I just got a zillion views on my most recent edit! My creative brilliance is finally being recognized!
WH: Congratulations. You must be quite talented in order to find such a widespread audience.
JKM: I’d like to think I am. @RedVelvetCakedUp shared it on her story, so it must be good! Here, let me show it to you.
She held up her phone to Mr. Herzog and played him a ten-second video of a bloke named Jimin wiping sweat off of his forehead set to a mashup of Gorillaz’s “Feel Good Inc.” and Taylor Swift’s “Love Story.” Werner Herzog sat slack-jawed and stared at the phone screen for a long time. The video looped twenty times before he fully processed what he was seeing. Eventually, a single tear fell down his sunken, wrinkled cheek, and he got up to leave the interview.
The next day, a FEMA alert was sent out to inform the citizens of the world that beloved director/documentarian Werner Herzog had retired from the medium of film after “experiencing an intense loss of hope in the world, the likes of which [he’d] never experienced before.”
@JinKooksMommy, upon hearing the news, responded, “What a shame. He was so good in The Penguins of Madagascar 😢”